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TimD
08-13-2007, 05:50 PM
I know we have a favorite stand-up comedian thread... now here's one for quotes...

TimD
08-13-2007, 05:56 PM
Mitch Hedberg

here's a few:

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

RoyHall#1
08-13-2007, 06:03 PM
Haha the third one is classic. RIP Mitch. "I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it"

And then he had another one where he had to write a screenplay for a TV show or something, and the guy told him to rewrite it. And he was like: "**** that, I'll just make a copy." haha

saintsfan912
08-13-2007, 06:03 PM
Dude I love Mitch Hedburg. Too bad he died.

I'm gonna open a McDonald's and not participate in ****. Hamburgers, nope. We got spaghetti and blankets.

I think thats how it went.

SubNoize
08-13-2007, 06:05 PM
we should just make a mitch hedburg appreciation thread and put a ton of his quotes in because i like reading them...

McBain
08-13-2007, 06:46 PM
Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.

gbpackers0065
08-13-2007, 06:50 PM
Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.

lol, good for you

badgerbacker
08-13-2007, 06:59 PM
Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?

gbpackers0065
08-13-2007, 07:04 PM
I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, that thing was ****** relentless.
-Mitch

TimD
08-13-2007, 07:05 PM
off the top of my head

"tennis is a depressing sport... no matter how good i get ill never be as good as a wall..."

EDIT: oops someone beat me to it

gbpackers0065
08-13-2007, 07:06 PM
EDIT: oops someone beat me to it

Damn Straight

wiscbadgerfootball
08-13-2007, 07:23 PM
we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

ripdw27
08-13-2007, 09:50 PM
i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco

Twiddler
08-13-2007, 09:52 PM
we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

Really? I heard that skit and didn't really think much of it. I mean, it was amusing and I liked some of his other stuff but I guess I just don't "get" some of his humor. Back to the subject one of my favorite quotes is Demetri Martin's...

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, Id probably just start calling out letters. "

KCJ58
08-13-2007, 09:53 PM
i liked that show on Comedy Central called: Shortys Watching Shortys

some of the Dane Cook ones were funny

themaninblack
08-13-2007, 11:03 PM
lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.

kalbears13
08-14-2007, 12:28 AM
we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

When he talks about holidays...that's the second best.

Ewing
08-14-2007, 12:45 AM
"I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust." - Bill Hicks

YAYareaRB
08-14-2007, 01:02 AM
Lavelle Crawford..

Taliban:"Read this to your country fat black man!"
LC:"I can't read.. I'm hooked on phonics you sunuvabish!"
Taliban:"We're gonna cut your head off!"
LC:"Man I don't have no neck!.. Only thing you could with that blade is give me a nice little tight fade".

LC: "We got mad at Clinton for getting a blowjob.. SO! That's what you're supposed to do when you is president!.. All you gotta say is you go down on me, I'll go down on taxes.."

LC:"Them people in Iraq are crazy.. They crazy.. They throw rocks.. AT TANKS. If you throw a Rock at a tank.. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT S***! Be like, 'Why did you do that?.. I'm angry.. GET YO STUPID ASS BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

LC: "Indonesia do sound like a black name.. INDONESIA IF YOU DON'T GET INSIDE THIS HOUSE! INDONESIA GET OUT OF THEM PEOPLE'S YARD! SRI LANKA GET YOUR SISTER INDONESIA AND GET IN HERE"

Flyboy
08-14-2007, 01:12 AM
"*****, what the **** is juice?! I want some grape drink!!"

"I don't want to dance, I'm scared to death!"

litlharsh
08-14-2007, 01:16 AM
Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.

Flyboy
08-14-2007, 01:33 AM
Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.

"I want some apple drink! IT'S GREEN!!!!"

tEk
08-14-2007, 04:06 AM
whats all this chocolate on your face?


chocolate??? its doo doo baby!

trkaline
08-14-2007, 05:03 AM
I don't appreciate the stereotype of how because im fat I eat everything...during the normal course of a day I eat like a normal human...unless im high or go to a buffet...high...but come on thats like taking a kid to Disney World and expecting him to only ride a few rides. I have to get it all, and at those places I want my moneys worth and though I can eat like two peoples moneys worth...its all you can eat if you don't listen to that sign you might as well disregard Stop signs and speed limits all together....signs are the boss....

swordman
08-14-2007, 07:09 AM
lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.

I think it is him that said

"I realize I use the word '****' a lot, and I'd apologize for that, but I just don't give a ****."

jballa838
08-14-2007, 10:51 AM
i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco
Dave Chappelle: Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!
[whacks the microphone on the stand]
David Chappelle (http://imdb.com/name/nm0152638/): Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ****** broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.'
David Chappelle (http://imdb.com/name/nm0152638/): I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild ****, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and shi'. He's like, "Where you from, dog? DC? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up *****? What? What the ****, slow down, what? What the ****? No! No! No! **** it, I'm on my way!"
[Boop]
David Chappelle (http://imdb.com/name/nm0152638/): "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick." At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the **** you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say ****. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A ******* crackhead ran this way, tktktktktktk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and ****, tktktk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me. At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a ******* limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a ******* baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either, click! clllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that ****. But where is this limousine driver?" As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the **** are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, *****!"

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like **** the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "*****! I LIVE IN A ******* TRASHCAN!"

David Chappelle (http://imdb.com/name/nm0152638/): Hello, emergency. Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aaahh. Look. There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business. "Get out here ******." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry.

hahaha thats some funny stuff

jballa838
08-14-2007, 10:54 AM
"Also, have you noticed whenever someone dies, there is always crack sprinkled on them? Nobody gets shot and sprinkles crack on themselves."

Turtlepower
08-14-2007, 11:05 AM
It's not nearly as funny posting the quotes as actually watching or listening to them. Listen to Mitch Hedberg's Do Not Disturb. That is comedic genius.

drowe
08-14-2007, 12:35 PM
my favorite mitch quote;


"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl that would be really mad if she heard me say that."

Boston
08-14-2007, 12:54 PM
Ron White: Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are. I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours. So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had no idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh? So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying. "Mr White, I don't think... *Rolex* makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy.

adfafsdfasdf

TimD
08-14-2007, 01:08 PM
daniel tosh

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

"You all know you played this game! Ah the floor is lava! It meant you were poor as dirt. 'Hey Mom, can I have a nintendo?!' 'THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!' 'What the **** is wrong with this house?! Why can't we have carpet?!'

ripdw27
08-14-2007, 09:56 PM
heres a good chappelle quote (im just kinda wingin it)

One time i took my kids to disney world. Every one came up to me like im rick james ***** hey im rick jaaames. i was pissed off. even mickey mouse did it. im rick james ***** hahaha so i hit him with the uppercut POW n off came his head. Everyone started freakin out "oh my god mickey mouse is mexican"

haha good quote not on here yet

ripdw27
08-14-2007, 09:57 PM
im kinda shocked on one has said "git r done" lol

slightlyaraiderfan
08-14-2007, 10:00 PM
heres a good chappelle quote (im just kinda wingin it)

One time i took my kids to disney world. Every one came up to me like im rick james ***** hey im rick jaaames. i was pissed off. even mickey mouse did it. im rick james ***** hahaha so i hit him with the uppercut POW n off came his head. Everyone started freakin out "oh my god mickey mouse is mexican"

haha good quote not on here yet
I'm guessing nobody posted it, because it's not that funny.

ripdw27
08-14-2007, 10:02 PM
ah its funnyer when chappelle does it

YAYareaRB
08-14-2007, 10:19 PM
Dave Chapelle: "HEY BABY! BABY! What are you doing out on that corner right now? HEY BABY.. BABY!"

The Baby: "***** I'm sellin weed!"

Paul
08-14-2007, 10:41 PM
Lavelle Crawford
http://www.juanitas.com/images/uploaded/Crawford.jpe

"This world goin crazy I been runnin into stupid people everywhere I go, just dumb folk! They need to lock dumb people up, I swear to God. I live in Los Angeles ain't nothin but ******** people there. This lady gonna come up to me with a coffee can talkin bout, chingle chingle chingle, chingle chingle chingle, Tsunami relief! Tsunami relief! I looked at her said, What the hell is a tsunami?! She looked at me, went (gasp!) You don't know what a tsunami is?! I went, (Gasp!) No I don't know what a tsunami is! She said, you're gonna stand there and tell me you don't know what a tsunami is?! I said heifa,I'll stand anywhere you want me to, I'm gonna tell you right now I don't know what the hell a tsunami is! She really got pissed off, You don't! I said, ***** I told you I don't know what the hell a Goddamn tsunami is! Last time I seen a tsunami was between two pieces of white bread, and I ate that **** with some corn chips! She got real mad talkin bout, You bastard! That's not a tsunami that's a salami! I said, well, tsunami, salami, balogna, get your stupid ass out my face!"

"I come out the bathroom and people looking at me like I did something wrong. Some ***** wanna be smart and said "Someone fart and get some fresh air in here".(something like that)

I touch myself so much, my thang got a restraining order on me.

Brent
08-15-2007, 12:19 AM
from The Sarah Silverman Program:
Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up. About ten years ago, I got pregnant and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby. And for about 8 and a half months, I listened to them until, finally, I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say, “get this thing out of me!” And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It took hours. I had to physically push the fetus out of me and when it came out it was crying and covered in this, like, gooky stuff. I didn’t have the money to pay, so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color because that’s what was funny back then. Heather, you have a choice, you can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you the rest of your life or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams… so what’s it going to be?

neko4
08-15-2007, 01:00 AM
They call me tater...

Ron white's the best of the blue collar guys IMO