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RAGTIMEZ
02-12-2008, 11:28 AM
MEIN MOCKPF


The Institute for Proletarian Research has completed its first projection for the 2008 Baptism of the Proletariat a.k.a. NFL Draft. Why the syntagm »Baptism of the Proletariat«? Because this event marks the introduction of young students into the horrifying and exploiting apparatus of Capital.

As you shall note below, the Institute's projection differs from the majority of speculative thought on this years Baptism. We have predicted that this year shall be marked by a radical rupture with the concept of “draft value”; c’est a dire, this projection follows the sublime logic of a statement once issued by Mel Kiper: “if you like a player enough, you should take him in the 1st round, regardless if he is projected to go in the 7th..”

All projections are followed by evaluations.

Regards,
Institute for Proletarian Research


1. Miami Dolphins:
CURTIS JOHNSON OLB/DE CLARK ATLANTA

Bill Parcells returns to the king of field sports and shocks the Christian world with his selection of Mr. Johnson from the insignificant Clark Atlanta. However, in time Parcells will prove the idiot draft speculators wrong: Johnson's triangle numbers coupled with his inexorable production at the faculty level translate symmetrically with the demands of the professional paradigm.



2. St. Louis Rams:
FRANKLIN DUNBAR OT MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE

After bombing with their selection of the stiff Midwestern Carriker last year, the Rams decide to avoid the steroid infested major college programs and take Dunbar whose prototypical genetically derived measurements are reminiscent of the man whose job he is to eventually take, Orlando Pace.


3. Oakland Raiders:
PAUL RAYMOND WR-KR BROWN

The cliché is that Al Davis is senile; the Institute for Proletariat Research believes he is more lucid than ever. This is evidenced by the selection of this 4.3 explosion man, who shall provide Jamarcus Russell with a weapon and a confidant.



4. Atlanta Falcons:

BRADY LEAF QB OREGON
The Atlanta Falcons franchise lies devastated and the oligarch who owns them must respond to this crisis with the selection of a new hero to replace the jailed hero Vick. The choice to return to the Leaf gene pool guarantees incomparable athletic ability, however with the gamble of psychological instabilities. But is not the Baptism of the Proletariat the primordial gamble par excellence?


5. Kansas City Chiefs:

THADDEUS COLEMAN OT MISSISSIPPI VALLEY STATE


The Chiefs have represented the prototypical mediocre NFL franchise for the last 30 years. Rare successful campaigns mixed with disastrous playoff collapses and boring 8-8 seasons. The Chiefs try to change destiny by taking this bulbous LT to bodyguard their future leader Tyler Thigpen.


6. New York Jets:

CRAIG MESTER OLB-DE MIAMI (OHIO)

Mangini’s status as the Mangenius lies in doubt: perhaps he is just another degenerate immigrant from Napoli, whose IQ was inflated by the corrupt New York media?
Whatever the issues concerning Mangini’s supposed intelligence, the fat Italian understands that he must generate pass rush if the Jets are ever to “learn to fly”. Mester is the archetypical white grinder that Mangini learned to love from his stay with B.B.



7. New England Patriots:

MIKE KLINKENBORG ILB IOWA

After their inevitable loss to the Giants in the Superbowl, perhaps B.B. will finally comprehend that 5.5 timed speed linebackers (like the disgusting overrated media product Bruschi) are incapable of succeeding in the king of field sports. B.B’s close friend Kirk Ferrentz gives him the inside information on Klinkenborg, and BB explodes at the opportunity to grab this Dream Maker.


8. Baltimore Ravens:

BRIAN WITHERSPOON CB STILLMAN

Ravens are one of the few organs to earn respect from draft evaluators everywhere because of the great Ozzie Newsome’s consistent selection of contributing proletariats. Newsome continues the trend with the selection of the 4.23 timed Witherspoon, the missing cornerback needed to make Rex Ryan’s defensive apparatus run at maximum heterogeneity.

9. Cincinnati Bengals:

VILIAMI AKOTEU DT IDAHO STATE


Perhaps Marvin Lewis will finally realize he needs a significant metaphysical presence in the middle of the defensive line to alleviate their perpetual grotesqueness? The Institute for Proletarian Research believes this is the year: Lewis has a divine revelation and selects the human black hole Akoteu, whose obese measurables and sub 5.3 speed yields the foundational stone.


10. New Orleans Saints:

KAREEM BYROM LB-S BUFFALO

Another organization that neglects defense consistently. The horrible selection of Meachem last year forces a drastic re-evaluation of philosophy by the front office brain hole. At Buffalo, the Electric Spiderman Byrom played an incredibly diverse number of positions (SS, FS, MLB, OLB) and would be an upgrade for the Saints at any of these loci.


11. Buffalo Bills:

TYWAIN MYLES DT TARLESTON STATE

With the hometown hero Byrom off the board the Bills look elsewhere. The blandness of Schobel and the Bills defensive front contrasts with the essence of the cover-2 defense: massive cosmological ultra-violence from the d-line. Myles is the Sapp like figure Perry Fewell begged Levy to acquire for him the last few years: now that Levy has disappeared like a phantasm, Fewell finally gets his hero.


12. Denver Broncos:

CARLOS FELICIANO DT MARYLAND

Broncos are another one of those terribly boring franchises (see Chiefs) who always hover around the 50% win mark, occasionally progressing to the playoffs only to get swiftly eliminated. The personnel department has been disgusting vis-à-vis defensive evaluation ever since the success of the Champ Bailey trade: they attempt to rectify that historiography with the selection of Feliciano, a run-nullifying 36 game starter at Maryland, who Denver hopes will be able to accomplish what the morbidly obese Sam Adams could not.


13. Carolina Panthers:

FRITZ JACQUES S KENT STATE

Panthers made an ingenious trade last training camp when they acquired Chris Harris for a 5th round selection that they would have ended up waiving anyway. However, the gaping Lacanian void at free safety needs to be addressed. Despite his bizarre French German combinatory name, Fritz Jacques provides sub 4.5 speed and toughness to play through bodily injuries.


14. Chicago Bears:

ADRAIN SMITH RB BETHEL (TN)

Is Rex Grossman a bust? Yes. Is Cedric Benson a bust? More than likely, yes. Couple these monstrosities with an offensive line that is decrepit, and the Bears have multiple zones of tragedy on their attack unit. Deangelo makes the ideological decision to suture the lacuna by selecting the top RB on his board. Smith has ideal TRIANGLE NUMBERS for the position (5’10 220 4.43) and could be the most significant Bears skill position acquisition since Peter Tom Willis.



15. Detroit Lions:

KEVIN ROBINSON WR UTAH

The horror of the Matt Millen regime is well documented. The Institute’s guess is that the Herodotuses of the king of field sports will recognize him as the all-time worst personnel man in any athletic endeavour. Perhaps this is Millen’s last draft, and the last chance to redeem his nauseating C.V. However, Millen is Millen: the lure of the WR is overpowering. Robinson impressed Millen at the Shrine Game, and the infatuation continues.


16. Arizona Cardinals:

BERNARD PAYTON RB MALONE

Perhaps someday organs will learn that one does not construct through free agency but via the draft. Especially in the case of the running back position. The Cardinals attempt to undo the Edgerrin James catastrophe with thjs little atom of fire and hatred.


17. Minnesota Vikings:

MAURICE BAKER DE C.W. POST

Despite persistent attacks from degenerate media outlets (i.e., Pro Football talk), Brad Childress managed those carriers of Aryan heritage, the Vikings, somewhat successfully. There appears to be some veneer of consistency to this unit, with perhaps only one significant defensive apparatus defender missing. Baker compiled 12 sacks last season, and was rated by the Institute as the number one pure banshee rusher in the nation of America.

18. Houston Texans:

ANDY STUDEBAKER DE-OLB WHEATON

Kubiak learned at the leathery feet of Shanahan, which means that there is no need to draft a RB in the 1st round because any piece of trash at the position will automatically rush for 1000 yards: if the blocking scheme is competent. However, what Kubiak also learned from Shanahan is that any piece of trash at OL will automatically succeed: if the same blocking scheme is competent. Thus, for Kubiak, the strategy on offense is more important than the personnel. This logically means that the Texans will look for defense: they decide to add Studebaker, whose versatility and 4.5 speed will seduce Kubiak at the Indianapolis combine.


19. Philadelphia Eagles:

MICHAEL EUBANKS S DELTA STATE


The Eagles are another organ that appears to have consistent personnel and no glaring zones of frailty. Last year there was the movement in Philadelphia to add Meriweather in the 1st round, which perhaps indicates the Eagles are still searching for an elite safety proletariat to replace the rapidly aging hero Dawkins. This is the logic the Institute shall follow: the Eagles’ war room explodes with joy to see Eubanks still on the board at 18, and they swiftly make him their selection.


20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

DURAN LAWSON QB THE CITADEL

Gruden’s desire for QB is incredibly similar to Millen’s same desire for WR. And as Millen found it impossible to avoid this temptation earlier in the draft with the selection of Kevin Robinson, Gruden follows his manic impulses and selects Lawson from Citadel. Gruden will pathetically justify this selection to the media by emphasizing Lawson’s versatility as a possible Kordell Stewart like figure, while also citing that the Citadel is Stump Mitchell’s alma matter.



21. Washington Redskins:

DARNELL JENKINS WR MIAMI


The brief years of stability offered by Gibbs’ leadership appear negated by the crazed Zionist Snyder’s return to absolute power. And now that Gibbs has been removed, desperate movements towards sexy positions become the normative index for Redskins football: hence the selection of WR Darnell Jenkins. However, this is not to deny Jenkins’ arsenal: to quote the legendary Buschbaum, he possesses “hands as soft as cotton” coupled with a radical velocity.

22. Dallas Cowboys:

PEYTON HILLIS RB ARKANSAS


Speculation abounds that Jerry Jones will take one of the Arkansas RBs Felix Jones or McFadden, according to a combination of positional need and scholarly nostalgia. However, with both Jones and McFadden still on the board, the maniacal owner shocks the greater personnel community when he selects Hillis, who it turns out was his real target all along.


23. Pittsburgh Steelers:

STEPHEN SENNE OG-OT LIBERTY

It appears that the pre-eminent location of existential concern for the Steelers is an offensive block unit that was ritually humiliated by the ascesis of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Thus, a growing movement within the Steelers personnel brain to improve the wall zones. The selection of Senne adds versatility to the organ, whilst also referencing another former Steeler and Liberty athlete, the legendary Eric Green.



24. Tennessee Titans:

JERRID GAINES CB MIAMI (OH)

Jeff Fisher should be commended for the continual success of his apparatus, despite a general lack of eye-shattering personnel. Although the primary need appears to be WR, Fisher is intelligent enough to understand this is the most overrated position on any unit: they are usually egomaniacs and profound cowards, especially those selected in the first round. The Titans therefore move to select the criminally undervalued Gaines, whose sub 4.4. speed coupled with ideal size provides Fisher with his most dynamic db since the pacman, while also giving Miami (OH) two first round proletariats.


25. Seattle Seahawks:

CASSEN GARRISON-JACKSON RB VANDERBILT

The Walrus wishes one more chance at infinite glory, and has decided to return despite his obvious weaknesses as a head coach: anyone could have beaten the patriots all those years ago, since bill parcells had de facto quit on his entire unit, leaving them despondent. Yet in a rare flash of enlightenment, Walrus understands Shaun Alexander is finished and he must replace him. Hence, the selection of Garrison-Jackson, a talented aquaman never given the opportunity by a corrupt Vanderbilt coaching staff.


26. Jacksonville Jaguars:

MATT MULLENIX DE WASHINGTON STATE

All projections stating the Jaguars will select a WR fail to realize that Del Rio has learned from the multiple catastrophic first round selections of WR that mark the historiography of the Jaguars draft. Del Rio therefore will look defensively and selects one of his traditional stiff and unexplosive DEs.


27. San Diego Chargers:

REGGIE SINGLETARY ILB Missouri Valley State

The Institute is not convinced about the abilities of the Chargers interior LBs and believes the corrupt A.J. Smith will look to improve this unit. Singletary may be considered a reach at this point, however Smith has been known for “falling in love” with certain players (i.e., Weddle 2007) and follows this same blind strategy in 2008.

28. Dallas Cowboys:

DAVONZO TATE CB AKRON

As we have seen, Jerry Jones will pass on both McFadden and Jones and take Hillis as his mystery running back selection from Arkansas. Surprisingly McFadden and Jones are still on the board at the 27 zone: will Jones select two rbs in the first round? Our analysis believes he will not. At this point, Jones decides to draft according to need as opposed to best available athlete, and selects Tate and his 4.42 speed to replace the f*cking vacuum that is Jacques Reeves.


29. Green Bay Packers:

CRAIG TURNER CB SOUTHERN ILLINOIS

Favre’s egomaniacal stranglehold on the Packer QB position appears never-ending. Coupled with the fact that Favre has always been an inaccurate and unintelligent point man condemns the Wisconsin farmer to years of suffering. The selection here is aimed at fortifying the back end in case Woodson or Harris succumb to the age man.

30. San Francisco:

VINCENT REDD OLB LIBERTY

That fool Mike Nolan seems to think one can throw millions of dollars into the free agent zone and somehow repair fundamental theoretical flaws in his own system. The f_cking horror that is Tully Banta-Cain is one example of Nolan’s limitations, and he attempts to alleviate his previous error with the selection of the bizarre Redd, giving Liberty two alumni in the first section.


31. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Forfeited because of profound corruption.


32. NEW YORK GIANTS

SHONDA FAULKNER LB INDIANA STATE

After the Giants’ Superbowl victory, a second surprise for New York: the draft room turns into uninterrupted hysterical ecstasy when they see Faulkner still on the board at 31. An added bonus: The drafting of Faulkner means NYG can at last give the waive to the incompetent Reggie Torbor.

Brothgar
02-12-2008, 11:45 AM
WR to Detroit joke has been played out for a year now ... Thanks

Hurricane Ditka
02-12-2008, 12:16 PM
WR to Detroit joke has been played out for a year now ... Thanks
That joke has been going on a lot longer than a single year.

regoob2
02-12-2008, 12:56 PM
How much time did you waste on this?

UKfan
02-12-2008, 01:01 PM
Remind me to neg rep you sometime, k?

bored of education
02-12-2008, 01:14 PM
this was a horrible attempt at being funny.

DeathbyStat
02-12-2008, 02:19 PM
"king of field sports."

Indeed

thebow305
02-12-2008, 02:28 PM
this is just friggin stupid

DeathbyStat
02-12-2008, 02:32 PM
"NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Forfeited because of profound corruption"

Awsome.

This made me smile

"Favre’s egomaniacal stranglehold on the Packer QB position appears never-ending. Coupled with the fact that Favre has always been an inaccurate and unintelligent point man condemns the Wisconsin farmer to years of suffering. The selection here is aimed at fortifying the back end in case Woodson or Harris succumb to the age man."

Thunder&Lightning
02-12-2008, 05:17 PM
this was a horrible attempt at being funny.

hahaha so true. its so bad i laugh...

princefielder28
02-12-2008, 05:22 PM
Du bist einen Idiot!

Patriots16-0
02-12-2008, 05:22 PM
LMAO... The only players in this mock that will get drafted are Curtis Johnson, Peyton Hillis and Brian Witherspoon, in my opinion. :)

GDWTheSickness
02-12-2008, 05:24 PM
these r supposed 2 be funny

sportsnerd23
02-12-2008, 05:28 PM
Nice Eagles Mock- LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RoyHall#1
02-12-2008, 05:43 PM
Wow. Harsh criticism. I enjoyed that actually.

BeerBaron
02-12-2008, 05:47 PM
terrible name for a thread...

im left somewhat confused now

neko4
02-12-2008, 06:05 PM
NEVER USE THE FAVRE's NAME IN VAIN LIKE THAT!
The power of Lombardi compells you! THE POWER OF LOMBARDI COMPELLS YOU!!!!!!!!

adschofield
02-12-2008, 06:09 PM
Seriously, the title of this thread is demeaning and inflammatory...Using the title of one of the most notorious racists and murders in the history of the world...stay classy...

WMD
02-12-2008, 06:09 PM
Interesting I say... Interesting!

RoyHall#1
02-12-2008, 06:12 PM
Seriously, the title of this thread is demeaning and inflammatory...Using the title of one of the most notorious racists and murders in the history of the world...stay classy...

It's just his book.

RoyHall#1
02-12-2008, 06:13 PM
Interesting I say... Interesting!

Thank you! Put him back in green, this is one of the best posts I've ever seen.

KCJ58
02-12-2008, 06:16 PM
i like the Atlanta pick Brady Leaf is a good value but bad Rams selection

ChiFan24
02-13-2008, 12:42 AM
Wow, some of you people suck. Really, if you don't understand the humor, don't comment. If you're going to get offended by a reference to a BOOK, remove the stick from your ass. This is pretty funny.

Original poster, don't ever compare Adrain Smith to Peter Tom Willis. He hasn't stepped foot in this league, and you're going to compare him to an all time great? Also, you forgot Tim Bugg.

DeathbyStat
02-13-2008, 08:15 AM
I thought this was really funny stuff.

Addict
02-13-2008, 01:54 PM
How much time did you waste on this?

if it was more than half a second, TOO MUCH

WR to Detroit joke has been played out for a year now ... Thanks

It's still funny, you gotta admit it's STILL FUNNY

BmoreBlackByrdz
02-13-2008, 03:21 PM
man this isnt funny at all. I think you jsut wasted time in your own life cause no one else read this bull. Thanks for trying though ;)

Brothgar
02-13-2008, 03:24 PM
if it was more than half a second, TOO MUCH

WR to Detroit joke has been played out for a year now ... Thanks


It's still funny, you gotta admit it's STILL FUNNY


It would be if it wasn't for the fact that 66% of the time that this joke is made Millen actually goes ahead and drafts a WR.

Handel
02-13-2008, 04:01 PM
Ma foi, quelle perte de temps.

RAGTIMEZ
04-14-2008, 08:27 AM
That is because you are illiterate and do not understand 50% of the words utilized.

Regards,
Institute of Proletarian Research

LonghornsLegend
04-14-2008, 09:08 AM
Bad Dallas mock...you obviously should of given us players from Texas Southern, Grambling, or Southern.

TheBuffaloBills
04-14-2008, 09:11 AM
I could see Curtis Johnson going at #1. Parcells likes his pass rushers.

I am glad to see a player from Buffalo get picked in the top 10

Abaddon
04-14-2008, 10:18 AM
This was funny as hell until I saw that the mock itself was a waste of space.