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View Full Version : This guy takes trolling to a whole new level.


E-Man
02-05-2010, 01:47 PM
If this has been posted before, then I'm sorry that my search function abilities has failed.

This guy responds to people's online ads, and just ***** with them hilariously. Here are a couple of posts from his website.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php

Camry Killer
Original ad:
selling 1997 toyota camry. 146k miles. engine and transmission in good shape. was in minor fender bender, damage shown in pictures
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

Let me just introduce myself. My name is Mike, and two weeks ago my dog was hit and killed by a car in Manayunk. The driver did not stop. He was hit by a white '97 Toyota Camry. With the side of the bumper bashed in like in your pictures. I thought I would never find the killer, but then I saw the murderers car for sale in Manayunk on **********! YOURS. What, are you trying to get rid of the evidence? You killed my dog of 8 years, and didn't even stop. I had to tell my kids that they would never see him again. Now they just look dead inside, like their soul was taken from them. I can't blame them.

We can't bring Skip back to life, but I want you to come here and apologize to my kids. And buy them a new dog. It is the least you could do.

E-mail me back and we'll set up a time.

- Mike

From derek ******* to Me

what? i didnt hit your ******* dog. no way im buying you a new dog

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

There's no denying it. I've got you dead to rights. The car that hit my dog is unmistakably yours. I even remember seeing your Outer Banks bumper sticker as I watched the car drive away, leaving Skip in a mangled mess in the middle of the street.

Maybe you were drunk and didn't remember? That doesn't make you any less guilty.

From derek ******* to Me

are you ******* serious i didnt hit your dog!!! i even called my girlfriend and she had no idea what i was talking about. you are mistaken

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

No I am not. Does your girlfriend have long hair? I didn't get a good look at the killer's face, but I saw long hair from behind as they sped away. I just assumed it was a man because of their huge shoulders.

From derek ******* to Me

yes she has long hair but she didnt hit your dog. where did this happen?

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

You know where it happened. Right here in Manayunk. I think your girlfriend is lying to you. I would like to meet both of you and have a good chat with you two so I can figure out which one of you is lying.

From derek ******* to Me

no this is ridiculous neither of us hit your dog. im sorry it happened but this is not my fault

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

Why would you be sorry if you didn't do it? Seems like you feel guilty about murdering my dog. Just own up to it. Do the right thing. For my kids.

Helpful Mechanic

Original ad:
I have a 1998 nissan that rear ended someone last week. There is some minor damage that need fixed...but I cant afford to go to a body shop..anyone who is willing to help for less would be doing me a HUGE favor. thanks!
From Me to ***********@**********.org

Hey, how's it going.

I'm a mechanic looking to do some work on the side, and I can probably help you out with your car. How bad is the damage to the car?

Mike

From Kristen ****** to Me:

Hi Mike. The damage isnt bad...my hood is bent and i think the headlight cracked...but I took it for an estimate and they told me i was looking at at least a couple thousand for repairs. im not sure if they are trying to rip me off so take a look if you want. sorry...this is the best picture i could get with my phone

thanks!

Attachment:
http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/maxima.JPG

From Me to Kristen ******:

Ouch...that doesn't look good, Kristen. From glancing at the picture, it is obvious you are going to need a new hood, fender, and headlight. It looks like your headlight is indeed cracked, and it looks like you probably severed the headlight fluid line as well. From the way the hood is bent, it looks like your transmission has been dislodged and will probably have to be replaced. Judging by the headlight damage, I may have to replace your headlight fluid pump as well, and I need to take out the motor to get to that. It is going to be a lot of work.

How much were you looking to spend to get this fixed?

From Kristen ****** to Me:

wow i didnt think it was that bad...do you think you can fix it? i cant afford to spend alot of money on this.

From Me to Kristen ******:

I can absolutely fix it. I can probably steal the parts you'll need from a junkyard, but you will have to post my bail if I get caught again. Last time, bail was about $400 and I had to pay another $500 fine after court. As for the labor, it is going to cost you about $1500. Replacing the headlight fluid pump is very difficult, and will probably take a lot of time to do. So you are looking at anywhere from $1500 to $2400.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

ok thanks anyway. that is too much for me...ill just deal with it for now i guess

From Me to Kristen ******:

Kristen, I strongly advise you to get this fixed immediately. You will not pass inspection without a headlight fluid pump, and it is very dangerous to be driving without one. It is very likely that your car could catch fire and explode while you are driving.

Look, I understand you are on a budget and I'd be willing to knock a couple hundred bucks off of the cost of labor if I can have your car's CD player. You won't get a better deal anywhere else.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

what?! the other guy didnt say anything like that. im going to get a few more opinions first, ill let you know. thanks

From Me to Kristen ******:

Don't take too long - your car is in immediate danger.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

I just called the auto center and they said there is no such thing as a headlight fluid pump...or headlight fluid...they were laughing...what is your problem douche bag?

From Me to Kristen ******:

Whoever you talked to there obviously has no idea what they are talking about. Look, you can see it in the picture, you are clearly leaking headlight fluid. I pointed it out in the attachment, it is what the red arrow is pointing to. You can see it leaking from the headlight.

Attachment:
http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/fluid.JPG



From Kristen ****** to Me:

Ok ass hole...thanks for wasting my time

From Me to Kristen ******:

Sorry for trying to save your life. You'll be sorry when that fluid ignites and makes your transmission explode while you are driving.


Caught Cheating
Original ad:
No strings attached - dinner wine whatever?
I am a nice woman just looking for a good time. Come over and drink and we can watch a movie and see where it goes from there ;)
From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey!

I live in the area and am also looking for a good time with no strings attached. I am a 37 year old man who just likes having some fun. How about you come over and we watch a movie and have some wine? You down?

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

Hi mike! Of course I am down for some fun ;) Do you have any pics of yourself?

From Karen ******** to Me:

Mike are you still there? I havent heard from you!

From Me to Karen ********:

STAY THE **** AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND.

From Karen ******** to Me:

umm...what?

From Me to Karen ********:

YOU HEARD ME, YOU *****. THIS IS MIKE'S WIFE. HE DIDN'T TELL YOU HE WAS MARRIED, DID HE, YOU ******* ****!

From Karen ******** to Me:

huh I swear he didn't say anything about that! I'm sorry! I won't write again!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

It is Mike. What the hell did you say to my wife? She found out about us! She is packing her stuff and talking about a divorce. What did you do?!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I responded to YOUR email that's it! Maybe you shouldn't let your wife check your email! Lastly there is no "us"! I wouldn't screw around with a married man! Shame on you for cheating on your wife!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you about my wife. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Now I managed to calm my wife down. She was willing to hear my side of the story. I told her you were an old girlfriend from high school that was still obsessed with me, and I was trying to get rid of you. She believes me, but she wants to kick your ass. Would you be able to come over here and let my wife kick your ass? Don't worry, she doesn't hit that hard. Just pretend it hurts. I'll give you $20 if you can do this for me.

Please help me out here!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

why would you tell her that!!!!! just be honest and accept what you did!! no I wont go over there to get beat up are you out of your mind????

From Me to Karen ********:

Please Karen! If she divorces me, I am screwed. I made the mistake of not signing a prenuptial agreement when we got married, and now she is talking about taking everything! She even wants to take my Plasma TV! That TV is my world. It is like a son to me. Please don't let her do this. Just come over and let her kick your ass. Do it for me, Karen.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm sorry but this is not my fault at all. I can't help you.

From Me to Karen ********:

****. Well are you still down for a good time with dinner and a movie?

From Karen ******** to Me:

absolutely not.

From Me to Karen ********:

So you ruin my life, and now you won't even go out on a date with me? Thanks a lot, Karen. Next time why don't you add "WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" next to your personal ad?

****** Roommate
Original ad:
Hey there! My roommate and I are looking for another housemate. We live in a large apartment in Upper Darby. There are two bedrooms and a spacious living area. The rent is $250 a month, which includes cable, internet, electric, and water.

My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.

If you are a vegan and want to live with two vegans who respect your personal space, please e-mail us. Include some information about yourself, including your source of income.

From Me to ***********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad, and I can't tell you how happy I was to see that there are fellow vegans looking for a roommate. It is so hard to find someone to live with who respects my way of life. Are you guys still looking for someone to live with?

Mike

From Joanna ******** to Me:

Yes, we still are seeking a third housemate. Can you tell us about yourself?

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.

Mike

From Joanna ******** to Me:

You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to ***** to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.

Seeing as how you got all uppity about the veal, I guess I should tell you that I own two shotguns and an assault rifle for hunting and will need to store them in the apartment. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I may as well tell you everything. Don't worry though, both the shotguns are registered and the assault rifle has the serial numbers filed off of it so it doesn't have to be registered.

From Joanna ******** to Me:

Don't worry, you don't need to tell me anything else because you aren't going to live with us. I highly doubt there is anything about your life that even makes you close to being a vegan. You're argument sounds like something a twelve-year-old would say. You're clearly just claiming to be vegan to live in a cheap apartment. If you really think you are vegan, think again. Vegans don't hunt, idiot.

From Me to Joanna ********:

C'mon, it isn't like I'm eating the animals after I kill them. I just kill them because I hate deer. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer **** - they **** everywhere. They are worse than old people. One time my little brother ate some deer **** because he thought it was beans. We had to take him to the hospital to get him tested for Lyme disease. I'm just killing deer to make Pennsylvania a better, safer place for children. I'm not eating them, so relax. I still don't eat chicken or burgers or any of that ****. You are really picky about the vegans that you want to live with. So when is the lease for your place up? I'm looking for a place to live for about five or six months, and the sooner I can move in, the better.

From Joanna ******** to Me:

YOU'RE NOT A VEGAN!

From Joanna ******** to Me:

Not eating certain kinds of meat doesn't make you a vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle which prohibits using any kind of animal product, be it food, clothes, or anything else. Hunting is absolutely unacceptable and your reasons for hunting are ridiculous. You won't be living at my apartment so give it up.

From Me to Joanna ********:

Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you.

Apologetic Nationals Fan

Original ad:
I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40.

From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org

Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season.

From austin ******* to Me

**** yourself, asshole.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "**** themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you.

From austin ******* to Me

You want my apology? Go **** yourself.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

I'm waiting...

From austin ******* to Me

I'm sorry about your kid.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little ***** in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity.

Mike

P-L
02-05-2010, 01:57 PM
I couldn't stop laughing at the mechanic one.

tEk
02-05-2010, 02:06 PM
that **** is great

CJSchneider
02-05-2010, 02:21 PM
Twenty 8th graders are now curious as to what the hell is so damn funny, LOL

Caddy
02-05-2010, 02:22 PM
Twenty 8th graders are now curious as to what the hell is so damn funny, LOL

When do you teach?

El Peefs?????
02-05-2010, 02:43 PM
When do you teach?

Whats what power point slides are for !

FlyingElvis
02-05-2010, 02:46 PM
Good stuff. Apparently headlight fluid is a popular lark.

DDP711
02-05-2010, 03:26 PM
those are great stories i just couldnt stop laughing. this guy is a genius!!!

prock
02-05-2010, 03:31 PM
hahaha that was so ******* funny. i couldnt stop laughing at the vegan one hahahaha

Crickett
02-05-2010, 03:34 PM
Good stuff. Apparently headlight fluid is a popular lark.

I don't get it. They had headlight fluid at the store.




Right next to the elbow grease.

Nalej
02-05-2010, 10:49 PM
those are great stories i just couldnt stop laughing. this guy is a genius!!!

My wife and I were rolling while reading these.
The little league sponsor one was great as well.
"Barely Legal Super *****" hahaha
-I don't see what the problem is- is the name too long?
If so, you can just put "Super *****" on the jerseys instead
hahahahaha

****** genius

CJSchneider
02-05-2010, 10:51 PM
When do you teach?

When you teach a computer Literacy class, it's pretty easy to sneak in inter-webz time.

yo123
02-06-2010, 01:58 AM
This one had me rolling.

Original ad:
670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com
$4000 OBO
From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

Hi Joe,

Is the wood chipper still for sale?

Thanks,

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

From Me to Joe ******:

I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

From Me to Joe ******:

Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

From Me to Joe ******:

Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little ******* pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

.......................................wow. No.

From Me to Joe ******:

Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

From Me to Joe ******:

I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

Mike

TitanHope
02-06-2010, 04:54 AM
Yeah, the kittens in a wood chipper got me too, lol. How do some of these guys not known it was a joke though? Anyway...


Horse Farm

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

brat316
02-06-2010, 05:46 AM
hahah that is just money.

EvilNixon
02-06-2010, 07:04 AM
lmaooo. Genius.

CJSchneider
02-06-2010, 08:25 AM
These are just awesome.

LizardState
02-06-2010, 08:57 AM
LMAO, serious Net Snark Award of the Yr. material.

"Headlight fluid" ??!!

A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA !

Brothgar
02-06-2010, 09:04 AM
Vfy08JSPjhU

zachsaints52
02-06-2010, 10:03 AM
Wow these are funny as crap.

Jvig43
02-06-2010, 01:06 PM
I cant stop laughing at the shaniqua chronicles.

ElectricEye
02-06-2010, 01:41 PM
Yeah, this was damn good stuff.

CJSchneider
02-06-2010, 04:49 PM
Vfy08JSPjhU

This reminds me of sending Privates on a wild goose chase for a box of grid squares and a can of old squelch for the radio.

E-Man
02-06-2010, 05:06 PM
I cant stop laughing at the shaniqua chronicles.

Haha yeah I know. That Jurassic Park one had me dying in laughter over here.

senormysterioso
02-06-2010, 05:50 PM
This reminds me of sending Privates on a wild goose chase for a box of grid squares and a can of old squelch for the radio.

don't forget the chem light batteries

Nalej
02-06-2010, 09:21 PM
High-rise Fridge Delivery
Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a ****** idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a ******* fridge up there is with an elevator. **** off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the **** up.

.....



This one had me crying hahahahahaha

Twiddler
02-06-2010, 09:54 PM
The horse farm one killed me. That was awesome.

tEk
02-06-2010, 10:46 PM
Trustworthy and reliable pet sitter available in the area to watch your pets. Your pet will be in good hands and treated with care while you are away. Rates vary - email to discuss.
From Me to **********@**********.org

Hey,

I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn't let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Hi Mike,

Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:

- Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?
- What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)
- Any special instructions for feeding the fish?

My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.

Jenny

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center).

The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can't move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).

I don't have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn't break any of the front windows because they are new. I'd suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house. Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I'm not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.

When can you be over there? I haven't fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

What? That is crazy - I'm not gonna smash a window!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Why don't you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don't worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can't look outside while she is doing the dishes.

If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

I don't feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don't think you would!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn't feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another.

Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn't have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don't make me go through that again.

If you are afraid of the police, I'll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don't want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

No! You are an idiot! I don't have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I'll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Don't you ******* dare you stupid mother ******!

138 comments (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=80#comment) | Add Comment (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=80#add)
i thought this one was excellent.

Stash
02-07-2010, 12:59 AM
This guy is awesome.

Job
02-07-2010, 01:20 PM
Original ad:
I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.

Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.
From Me to *************@*********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?

-Dan

From Brittany ********* to Me

Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he'll get back to you ASAP.
Thanks!
Brit

From Bryan ********* to Me
Dan,

My wife sent me your email, but I don't think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don't need your help. I hope that isn't how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me.

Regards,

Bryan

From Me to Bryan **********

Good afternoon Brian,

Your wife doesn't sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is "slow", and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife.

- Dan

From Bryan ********* to Me

Heh heh, that might be just what she needs...

From Me to Bryan **********
CC: Brittany *********

Great! I'm forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.

The name of the school is "Smithbridge School for Special People," and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.

From Bryan ********* to Me

Oh boy...please don't...

From Brittany ********* to Me

What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!

From Me to Brittany *********

Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.

-Dan

P-L
02-07-2010, 03:09 PM
Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY
From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the **** you actully cater that **** to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you ****** kidding me. my son in college could make that ****!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the ******** fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael