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senormysterioso
01-14-2011, 10:15 AM
It seems to me that there is a Simpsons quote for every possible situation that life may hold in store. Put your favorite Simpsons quotes in this thread.

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a184/threi/internetking8jprc5.gif

Ralph: Hi Lisa, I brought your homework! We have to read this!
Lisa: The Wind In The Willows...?
Ralph: It's about a toad and badger and a mole... I drawed on mine... is this my house?
Lisa: No, you live in a different house.......
Ralph: Choo choo choo choo woo woo!

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Burns: Look at them. Smug and secure in their finery. Mocking us.
Homer: Uh, they're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for a moment of weakness and then BAFF comes the knock in the head and we're down!
Homer: What do we do?
Burns: Oh...wouldn't you like to know.

Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence ... of being a jerk."

SCORPIO: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France?
HOMER: France.
SCORPIO: [chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy.

DO RE ME, by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson! I don't want to snuggle with "Max Power"!
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the "G"s!

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

HOMER(while watching tv): Hey boy, where you going?
BART(walking through with camping backpack): The father-son rafting trip
HOMER: PFFFT! You don't have a son. (continues watching tv)

Razor
01-14-2011, 10:35 AM
Great idea!

Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

bigbluedefense
01-14-2011, 10:35 AM
I love this thread. I used to look up Simpsons quotes when I was bored just for a good laugh.

Classic quotes.

draftexcluder
01-14-2011, 10:38 AM
"Hello... My name is Homer Incognito..."

senormysterioso
01-14-2011, 10:40 AM
"Hello... My name is Homer Incognito..."

I believe that was "Guy Incognito", tsk tsk.

RufusMcDaniel
01-14-2011, 11:25 AM
"Moe: You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin."

CJSchneider
01-14-2011, 11:42 AM
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course, and I forgot how to drive?

Damix
01-14-2011, 11:46 AM
I still think I have a 5 minute clip of Ralph Wiggum quotes on my iPhone.

the_legend_killer
01-14-2011, 11:46 AM
"Me fail english? That's unpossible!" - Ralph Wiggum

HeavyLeggedWaistBender
01-14-2011, 11:54 AM
Go to bread.

bsaza2358
01-14-2011, 12:14 PM
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

E-Man
01-14-2011, 01:44 PM
I love this one with Kent:
axXvxpzMe_0

One of my favorites from Homer:
vNn3Dp0_GKY

And of course, my life's philosophy:
u1K3HfzqHQk

slightlyaraiderfan
01-14-2011, 01:55 PM
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Teller: Okay Mr. Burns, what's your first name.
Homer: I don't know.

senormysterioso
01-14-2011, 02:01 PM
Gun Shop Guy: Woah! Careful there Annie Oakley
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Well You'll Probably Want the accessory kit; holster?
Homer: yup
Gun Shop Guy: bandolier?
Homer: oh baby...
Gun Shop Guy: silencer?
Homer : yup
Gun Shop Guy: loudener?
Homer: uhuhuh
Gun Shop Guy: automatic cocker?
Homer: ooh, I like the sound of that
Gun Shop Guy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters
Homer: I don't need anything like that...yet. Just give me my gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period, we have to run a background check.
Homer: Aww...five days but I'm mad now, I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Gun Shop Guy: Yah, well you don't.

soybean
01-14-2011, 02:02 PM
Burns: Get off my property.
Homer: Or else what? You're going to release the dogs? or the bees? or the dogs with bees in the their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?!

Moe: Alright, I don't like you and you don't like me.
Lisa: You don't like me? I like you...
Moe: You do? then i like you too!

Homer: Oh yeah... I know something his money CAN'T buy!
Marge: What's that?
Homer: ... a DINOSAUR!

fischbowl
01-14-2011, 02:42 PM
Everything is coming up.....

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8d/Milhouse.PNG

iowatreat54
01-14-2011, 02:42 PM
I wish I could post youtube clips at work.

Basically anything by Ralph.

"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
"The doctor said I wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there."

And the best song of all time that someone needs to post a clip for:

"Max Power, that's the man who's name you'd love to touch,
but you musn't touch!
That name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it,
you musn't fear.
'Cause that name could be said by anyone!"

MetSox17
01-14-2011, 03:25 PM
Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

soybean
01-14-2011, 09:45 PM
"Now now now, just because Bart is my son doesn't mean he'll get any special treatment.... He'll be calling me coach just like everyone else... as our NEW STARTING QUARTERBACK!!!" - Homer

Bart: These clothes just plain suck!"
Marge: Bart, where did you learn that language!
[pans over to homer on the phone]
Homer: Yeah Moe, that team last night sure did suck. I've seen teams suck before but mannnnn... those were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: sorry Moe, gotta go my weiner kids are listening.

Paul
01-14-2011, 09:48 PM
Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely

Everytime I see that episode I still laugh.

E-Man
01-14-2011, 10:34 PM
Gun Shop Guy: Woah! Careful there Annie Oakley
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Well You'll Probably Want the accessory kit; holster?
Homer: yup
Gun Shop Guy: bandolier?
Homer: oh baby...
Gun Shop Guy: silencer?
Homer : yup
Gun Shop Guy: loudener?
Homer: uhuhuh
Gun Shop Guy: automatic cocker?
Homer: ooh, I like the sound of that
Gun Shop Guy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters
Homer: I don't need anything like that...yet. Just give me my gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period, we have to run a background check.
Homer: Aww...five days but I'm mad now, I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Gun Shop Guy: Yah, well you don't.

I forgot about this one. Great find!

senormysterioso
01-15-2011, 08:47 AM
Lisa: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?
Marge: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some sort of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.
Homer: (opens basement door) Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

(At the children's nuclear power plant contest)
Mr. Burns: (to Homer) Could you explain your model, young man?
Grimes: (from audience) What's to explain? He's an idiot!
Lenny: Pipe down!
Homer: Well basically, I just copied the plant we have now.
Mr. Burns: Hmmm.
Homer: Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance. And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
Mr. Burns: Agreed. First prize. (gives Homer a blue ribbon)
Grimes: What?!
Carl: Way to go, Homer!
Lenny: You're number one, Homer!
Grimes: But it, it was a contest for children!!
Lenny: Yeah! And Homer beat their brains out!

senormysterioso
01-15-2011, 12:43 PM
Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

iowatreat54
01-15-2011, 12:51 PM
Grandpa: "Now, my story begins in nineteen dickity two. We had to say 'dickity,' because the Kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty'. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickity-six miles."

I still say dickity randomly.

Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out earning that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo Hoo! Four-day weekend!

djp
01-15-2011, 12:52 PM
I could go on for days on this thread. I'll just go from a few episodes.

Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
[disbelieving]
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!

Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Uh, sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

Lzpk5dMhVE4

My favorite clip from my favorite Simpsons episode.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls]
Moe: Hugh Jass! Hey, I want a Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
[hangs up]
Hugh Jass: What a nice young man.

Homer: I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs...
Moe Szyslak: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!

Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the Metric system down?

We do, We do.

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

We do, We do.

Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?

We do, We do.

Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do, We do!

WMD
01-16-2011, 04:43 AM
"This should just be a general Simpsons discussion thread, so I can complain about how my local CW and Fox affiliates ONLY SHOW DAMN NEW EPISODES NOW."

That was not an actual Simpsons quote, but rather a quote by me which I felt I should write in this thread. And then I did. And then I am about to hit Post Quick Reply now.

Brodeur
01-16-2011, 10:33 PM
I think that is a common complaint because newer Simpsons are lame.

WMD
01-16-2011, 10:48 PM
I think that is a common complaint because newer Simpsons are lame.

IeNg5BV0faY

After I saw this for the first time, I drank a lot of bleach, took a whole bottle of sleeping pills, cut my hands off, and then stabbed myself in the throat with my wrist nubs. True story.

iowatreat54
01-16-2011, 10:55 PM
You know, I was just about to post how the new intro is garbage and then saw that. And it made me even more upset. Even the new animation is awful. While I didn't mind the Simpsons Movie, although it was about 10-12 years too late, it has ruined an already declining masterpiece.

But seeing Ralph in the lost and found was awesome. There's pretty much nothing Ralph can do wrong.

senormysterioso
01-17-2011, 08:04 AM
I blame Family Guy for the decline of Simpsons. It got popular and the Simpsons thought they had to be a disjointed string on nonsense rather then a clever and well written series.

the dude
01-17-2011, 08:33 AM
NK-gUXl7usc

Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

senormysterioso
01-17-2011, 08:46 AM
Homer: Marge, they've got nowhere else to go. Besides, they're geniuses! They'll solve all our problems! They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth!
Nerd: Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.

Bart: b-6
Homer: you sunk my scrabbleship!
Lisa: this game makes no sense.
Homer: tell that to the good men who just lost their lives... SEMPER-FI!

Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Ralph: GO BANANA!

McGahee
01-17-2011, 09:33 AM
this thread calls for a....


MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZZZZZZZA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAA!!

CJSchneider
01-17-2011, 10:23 AM
I bent my wookie.

Brent
01-17-2011, 10:58 AM
jF_yLodI1CQ

djp
01-17-2011, 01:01 PM
Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.

LizardState
01-17-2011, 01:10 PM
I blame Family Guy for the decline of Simpsons. It got popular and the Simpsons thought they had to be a disjointed string on nonsense rather then a clever and well written series.


Peter Griffin is Homer Simpson without the savoir faire, polish, & sophistication of a HS education.

Brent
01-17-2011, 01:13 PM
I blame Family Guy for the decline of Simpsons. It got popular and the Simpsons thought they had to be a disjointed string on nonsense rather then a clever and well written series.
or, it could be that, after 20 something years, you've done all you can do

Razor
02-24-2011, 02:00 PM
Moe:

Looks like both Marge and I are going to hell. That's when I'll make my move!

M.O.T.H.
02-25-2011, 03:07 PM
Milhouse: "Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Milhouse: "This game is awesome! And I've only put in my name: Thrillhouse."

Homer: Iím normally not a praying man, but if youíre up there, please save me, Superman.

fenikz
02-25-2011, 03:14 PM
Marge: There are only 49 stars on this flag.
Abe: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah.

Abe: The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more ‘n a few.

FlyingElvis
02-25-2011, 03:39 PM
A few that generally rotate in & out of my sigs on various boards are:

"I can't live the button down life like you. I want it all. The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middle. Sure, I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers - who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about 'what's to be done with this Homer Simpson'."

"Read your town charter, boy. "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot." Since I don't see him around...start shoveling!"

"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women . . ."

Really, just about any line from the "Lisa's Rival" episode is worthy of this thread. By far the (queue comic guy voice) Best. Episode. Ever.


Car forum, especially, gets:
"I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas brake honk. Gas brake honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas."


Condensed version of the one below from the movie was my sig recently.

EPA Soldier: I'm afraid we lost them, sir.
Russ Cargill: Damn it! Well, then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft, tough, soft!
[pause]
EPA Soldier: Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill: Of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!

MidwayMonster31
02-25-2011, 04:17 PM
'It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.'

Homer tears the slot machine from the stand:
Homer: JERGEDEFREGREFEDRERERAARAH!
Marge: Homer slow down!
Homer: Jer-gede-fregre-fed-rerera-arah.
Marge: Think before you say each word.

Homer: Excuse me, professor Brainiac. But I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years, and I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
Professor: Well, please come down and show us.
Homer: All right, I will.
<everyone runs out screaming while the building is glowing>
Homer: In there guys.
Hazmat team: Thanks Homer.

I could go on with this.