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Canuck
04-19-2007, 05:04 AM
1. OAKLAND-SPEEDY GONZALEZ-ATH., MEXICO ST.
The Raiders need help on offence in every way, both in the passing game and running game, so Al Davis selects the multi-faceted Gonzalez, who can throw the ball up in the air and run to catch it. The offensive line will become a moot point and Robert Gallery makes a position change to become Al Davis’ couch. Ever the diplomat, Davis talks about another dimension behind this signing. “The Rayduhs have always been trailblazers in allowing all players, regardless of background, to come play for us. By selecting this Hispanic mouse, Gonzalez will continue on in the tradition of the great Rayduhs with differences who made differences. Flores… Shell… LaMonica (Guys named Daryle, with an “e”) Stablah (lefty QB)… JaMawcus Russell… what’s that? We didn’t draft him? Lane, you’re fiahed.”

2. DETROIT LIONS-MATT TRANNON-WR, MICHIGAN ST.
Matt Millen decides to roll the dice and select a big WR at #2, who also just happens to be a Michigan State product. That’s a sure way to be successful… isn’t it?

3. CLEVELAND BROWNS-JORDAN PALMER-QB, UTEP
The Browns have seen more than enough of Jordan’s brother, Carson, at Cincinnati, and believe that Jordan will be much better. First, his first name is the last name of one of the greatest athletes ever, as opposed to the California pretty boy, who was named after a talk show host… Carson Daly. They also believe that he’s a real talent and not just a product of the USC system. You can actually hear Willie McGinest’s teeth grinding in the background.

4. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS-PEARL THE LANDLORD-DT, MONTESSORI
http://sjl.funnyordie.com//v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

It’s no secret that Gruden is enamoured with 19 year-old Amobi Okoye, however, in selecting 2 year-old Pearl, they have found someone younger and meaner. Concerns grow over Pearl’s alcoholism and outlandish contract demands, when, upon being drafted, she screamed at Gruden “You pay… now, *****.” However, the tape doesn’t lie, and Pearl will become an impact starter as soon as she learns to walk.

5. ARIZONA CARDINALS-MONEY-$, GEORGE WASHINGTON
With so many premier talents signed to the roster in recent years, Bill Bidwill drafts a big bag of cash, thinking that, with a lack of a body and brains, the money will sign for much less than the amount slotted to the #5 pick. However, the plan backfires when the money asks for #5 money and Bidwill lets the money go to Seattle for nothing, where it’s buried on the depth chart in Paul Allen’s bank account.

6. WASHINGTON REDSKINS-A 2ND ROUND PICK, NFL DRAFT
Without a pick until the 5th round, the Washington Redskins shrewdly use their first round pick to draft another pick in the second round.

7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS-SCOTT WRIGHT, PROGNOSTICATOR, NFLDRAFTCOUNTDOWN.COM
To say the Vikings draft strategy in recent years has been abysmal is an understatement, so they go with the logical choice and select local product Scott Wright to overlook their war room. It was unexpected to see him fall this far; not even Scott himself saw this happening in any of his mocks. With a blend of intuition, analytical skills and measurables that are off the charts, Scott Wright is a franchise prognosticator who is quite simply the best prospect to come along in years and should make an impact as early as round 2.

8. ATLANTA FALCONS-SIDNEY RICE, WR, SOUTH CAROLINA
The Falcons need help at WR. Calvin Johnson is still on the board, but they decide to go with Rice, who they feel has a better chance of being a disappointment and they also figure that putting Calvin Johnson on the same field as Michael Vick would be a waste of Johnson’s receiving talent and would give Vick fewer excuses to run.

9. MIAMI DOLPHINS-PETE CARROLL, COACH, USC
Owner Wayne Huizenga believes that Pete Carroll will change his mind about coaching in the NFL and gambles by taking him. In a strange turn of events, when Huizenga calls Carroll to tell him, Carroll recruits him as a RB at USC.

10. HOUSTON TEXANS-ANTHONY SPENCER, DE, PURDUE
Last year’s 1st round pick, Mario Williams, didn’t live up to the hype of the #1 overall pick, while their top rookie was 2nd round pick Demeco Ryans. However, since they don’t have a 2nd round pick, they decide to spend their 2nd round pick in the 1st round by taking Spencer. Although they already have Williams, he was unable to sack Peyton Manning last year. They believe that, in adding Spencer, they can double that total.

11. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS-A NEW C.B.A.
The 49ers franchise has been in slow decline since the introduction of the salary cap, so owner Denise DeBartolo York drafts a proposal for the removal of the cap, citing that “There is no way the 49ers could ever win a Super Bowl legitimately. Come on, we don’t have to go back to cheating, do we?”

12. BUFFALO BILLS-TANK TYLER, DT, NC STATE
The Bills continue their love affair with 2nd round projected DTs from North Carolina State by selecting Tank. After the Willis McGahee debacle, the Bills reason that no military machine would favour a move to Canada.

13. ST. LOUIS RAMS-ALAN BRANCH-DT, MICHIGAN
The Rams decide to create a little competition at the DT position by drafting Branch, who’s expected to compete for a starting job at the buffet table alongside Jimmy Kennedy.

14. CAROLINA PANTHERS-DWAYNE JARRETT, WR, USC
Keyshawn Johnson said he should stay in school and now has to contend with Jarrett for a spot on the depth chart. With fellow USC alum Keary Colbert on the roster, the writing is on the wall for the direction the Pathers want to take with their WR group and the odd man out becomes Steve Smith, who, in effort to save his job, decides to fool management by assuming the identity of another USC WR, and changes his name to… Steve Smith.

15. PITTSBURGH STEELERS-NOBODY
The Rooneys are noted for disliking change, as evidenced by the long tenure of Bill Cowher, who left the club after last season. The season before that, Jerome Bettis retired. The Rooneys don’t want to have to learn any new names, so they leave their draft cards blank.

16. GREEN BAY PACKERS-BRADY QUINN, QB, NOTRE DAME
The Packers forgot that they already had a strong-armed successor to Brett Favre and select Quinn, who is too good a value to not pick here. Aaron Rodgers is curled up in the fetal position in the back of a taxi, en route to New York to go back in the green room, in the hopes that someone will draft him again.

17. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS-JAMARCUS RUSSELL, QB, LSU
The writing is on the wall for current starter Byron Leftwich with the selection of Russell, whom Jags coach Jack Del Rio says “Reminds me of a young Byron Leftwich. This guy is so much like Leftwich that it was a no-brainer for us to take him.”

18. CINCINNATI BENGALS-BAIL BONDS
No, not Barry Bonds’ son; actual Bail Bonds At this point, they just want to keep the rest of their guys out of jail as much as they can.

19. TENNESSEE TITANS-THE HONKY TONK MAN, DECOY
He’s cool, he’s cocky, he’s bad. The Honky Tonk Man rides into Tennessee to bring back the spirit of Graceland that left with the migration of Elvis impersonators to Las Vegas. His main role will be to be dressed up as a Vince Young impersonator for the Madden ’08 photo shoot.

20. NEW YORK GIANTS-ARCHIE MANNING, FATHER, OLE MISS
With Tom Coughlin still in town, Eli is worried that the mean coach will yell at him, which drowns out the sounds of Archie telling him what to do. So the G-Men draft Archie to bring him closer to his son. The plan backfires though, when Archie questions whether or not Eli would be a better fit with a team like San Diego.

21. CLEVELAND BROWNS (trade Ted Washington, Simon Fraser, Orien Harris and Adam Carriker to Denver in exchange for #21 overall pick): ADAM CARRIKER, DE, NEBRASKA
Needing to replenish their defensive line after Alvin McKinley continued the tradition of Browns d-linemen to join the Broncos, the Browns select Carriker, who was then immediately shipped to Denver as part of the deal for the rights to draft him.

22. DALLAS COWBOYS-ROY WILLIAMS, S, DALLAS
Jerry Jones got to reminiscing about the 2002 draft where they were in a position to trade down one spot with the Kansas City Chiefs to take Roy Williams, when someone shouted out that there was only 10 seconds left, so they had to call in Williams at #7 before losing the pick. By the time he finished the story, there was only 10 seconds left, and a confused Jones forgot where he was and drafted Williams again.

23. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS-ANTHONY GONZALEZ, WR, OHIO ST.
With Tony Gonzalez set to retire, it’s time to groom his name replacement. Gonzalez is considered a raw prospect, being addressed by the full “Anthony”, but it’s the closest thing they’ve got to a Tony Gonzalez. The only other candidate was Ben Patrick. But the coaching staff is confident that he can elevate to the next level and learn to be Tony.

24. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS-COUNT CHOCULA, CEREAL MASCOT, GENERAL MILLS
This would be a bit of a surprise pick if it were anyone except the Patriots making the selection. Count Chocula was considered a 3rd-round prospect at best, but with the recent signing of 270 lb LB Adalius Thomas, they need to draft for depth in the cereal cupboard, plus, Count Chocula is expected to contribute on special teams.

25. NEW YORK JETS-CAP’N CRUNCH, CEREAL MASCOT, QUAKER
Eric Mangini does everything Belichick does, plus, in drafting Cap’n Crunch, they have also brought in a high-character player with top intangibles, leadership abilities and sound ball skills, who is mature enough to deal with the intense New York media pressure.

26. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: THEIR OWN FANS, PHILADELPHIA, PA
The Eagles figure that no matter who they draft, they’ll get booed, so, they draft their own fans, pleasing them by giving them someone new to boo. However, many fans are injured in the ensuing brawl, which makes the fans left standing boo twice as hard, which causes them to pass out from exhaustion, leaving nobody left to boo their 2nd round pick.

27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: CALVIN JOHNSON, WR, GEORGIA TECH
Yeah, um, they’re my team, so, of course I’d put C.J. on there. Of course, if I WAS to put someone mocking here, it’d probably be Michael Bush.

28. TRADE: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (f/NE): JARED ZABRANSKY, QB, BOISE ST.
The Redskins trade their 2nd round pick they took at #6 along with their 1st round pick next year to draft Zabransky, who electrified the nation with his performance in the Fiesta Bowl. Dan Snyder can’t rave enough about his athleticism and versatility and decides to put him ahead of Antwaan Randle El on the depth chart for passing the ball.

29. BALTIMORE RAVENS: RICH EISEN, ANALYST, NFL NETWORK
Coming out of college, Ray Lewis was considered to not have ideal measurables. Rich Eisen is said to have less-than-ideal measurables. They said Ray Lewis was undersized for a LB. Rich Eisen is considered undersized for an analyst. Coincidence?

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: BRADY LEAF, QB, Oregon
It was Marty Schottenheimer who first became enamoured with Philip Rivers when he was the coach at the Senior Bowl in 2004 and GM A.J. Smith simply won’t have Marty’s guy leading his team, so he begins grooming his replacement with strong-armed QB Brady Leaf from Oregon. Although he’s not draft eligible, A.J. Smith always gets what he wants.

31. CHICAGO BEARS: CANUCK, LB, CANADA ST.
Once considered a top-15 pick, Canuck was considered an outsider to be selected on the first day, due to his off-the-field shenanigans and the fact that nobody in the NFL has ever heard of him, but when he said that he’d play for $7.2 million next year, it was all the news the Bears needed to cut Lance Briggs loose and bring on the feisty Canadian. Canuck, a lifelong New Orleans Saints fan, signs a one year contract on the spot and secretly winks at Sean Payton on his way out.

32. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: TICKETS TO ARIZONA
If all of the above happened, you might as well book the Colts’ trip to the Super Bowl in Arizona now (where they’ll lose to the Saints, of course.)

Caddy
04-19-2007, 05:31 AM
I love that video from the Bucs pick, saw it yesterday and it cracked me up.

thebow305
04-19-2007, 06:50 AM
***yawn**......

BigDawg819
04-19-2007, 07:43 AM
Nice touch with "shenanigans" in your draft comment space. I think its an absolute fantastic mockery and its Brilliant! :D

princefielder28
04-19-2007, 09:28 AM
Certainly is a mockery

T-RICH49
04-19-2007, 10:25 AM
no way KC passes on Cap'n Crunch let alone CJ :D

Bengals1690
04-19-2007, 10:39 AM
best one of these yet.

Don Vito
04-19-2007, 11:25 AM
6. WASHINGTON REDSKINS-A 2ND ROUND PICK, NFL DRAFT
Without a pick until the 5th round, the Washington Redskins shrewdly use their first round pick to draft another pick in the second round.

8. ATLANTA FALCONS-SIDNEY RICE, WR, SOUTH CAROLINA
The Falcons need help at WR. Calvin Johnson is still on the board, but they decide to go with Rice, who they feel has a better chance of being a disappointment and they also figure that putting Calvin Johnson on the same field as Michael Vick would be a waste of Johnson’s receiving talent and would give Vick fewer excuses to run.

10. HOUSTON TEXANS-ANTHONY SPENCER, DE, PURDUE
Last year’s 1st round pick, Mario Williams, didn’t live up to the hype of the #1 overall pick, while their top rookie was 2nd round pick Demeco Ryans. However, since they don’t have a 2nd round pick, they decide to spend their 2nd round pick in the 1st round by taking Spencer. Although they already have Williams, he was unable to sack Peyton Manning last year. They believe that, in adding Spencer, they can double that total.

12. BUFFALO BILLS-TANK TYLER, DT, NC STATE
The Bills continue their love affair with 2nd round projected DTs from North Carolina State by selecting Tank. After the Willis McGahee debacle, the Bills reason that no military machine would favour a move to Canada.

21. CLEVELAND BROWNS (trade Ted Washington, Simon Fraser, Orien Harris and Adam Carriker to Denver in exchange for #21 overall pick): ADAM CARRIKER, DE, NEBRASKA
Needing to replenish their defensive line after Alvin McKinley continued the tradition of Browns d-linemen to join the Broncos, the Browns select Carriker, who was then immediately shipped to Denver as part of the deal for the rights to draft him.

22. DALLAS COWBOYS-ROY WILLIAMS, S, DALLAS
Jerry Jones got to reminiscing about the 2002 draft where they were in a position to trade down one spot with the Kansas City Chiefs to take Roy Williams, when someone shouted out that there was only 10 seconds left, so they had to call in Williams at #7 before losing the pick. By the time he finished the story, there was only 10 seconds left, and a confused Jones forgot where he was and drafted Williams again.


28. TRADE: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (f/NE): JARED ZABRANSKY, QB, BOISE ST.
The Redskins trade their 2nd round pick they took at #6 along with their 1st round pick next year to draft Zabransky, who electrified the nation with his performance in the Fiesta Bowl. Dan Snyder can’t rave enough about his athleticism and versatility and decides to put him ahead of Antwaan Randle El on the depth chart for passing the ball.

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: BRADY LEAF, QB, Oregon
It was Marty Schottenheimer who first became enamoured with Philip Rivers when he was the coach at the Senior Bowl in 2004 and GM A.J. Smith simply won’t have Marty’s guy leading his team, so he begins grooming his replacement with strong-armed QB Brady Leaf from Oregon. Although he’s not draft eligible, A.J. Smith always gets what he wants.


That was the best of its kind, +rep.

secondeye
04-19-2007, 11:37 AM
7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS-SCOTT WRIGHT, PROGNOSTICATOR, NFLDRAFTCOUNTDOWN.COM
To say the Vikings draft strategy in recent years has been abysmal is an understatement, so they go with the logical choice and select local product Scott Wright to overlook their war room. It was unexpected to see him fall this far; not even Scott himself saw this happening in any of his mocks. With a blend of intuition, analytical skills and measurables that are off the charts, Scott Wright is a franchise prognosticator who is quite simply the best prospect to come along in years and should make an impact as early as round 2.


The Moss, Culpepper and Kevin Williams picks were especially terrible. Didn't help the franchise at all.

Canuck
04-19-2007, 12:55 PM
^^Moss and Cully are going back a ways. Kevin Williams was a great pick. Since then they've had some suspect drafts. Also, I needed a reason to get Scott into my mock, and, being a Minnesota guy, it just made sense. :D

Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback.

Go_Eagles77
04-19-2007, 02:16 PM
Definately the best yet. I liked the panthers one the best.

ripdw27
04-19-2007, 08:17 PM
lmao the 21 pick was great lol nice this is funny but um how come I didnt get drafted????? im devastated

defensiveback23
04-19-2007, 11:08 PM
I've never seen a funny Charger pick in one of these but Brady Leaf was by far the best.

PalmerToCJ
04-19-2007, 11:22 PM
Really original on the Bengals pick.... NOT!!!