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Ewing's Ten NFL Lies

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  • Ewing's Ten NFL Lies

    10. The Dolphins will botch the draft, AGAIN.

    With another chance to draft a quarterback to replace Dan Marino as the face of the franchise in Brian Brohm with the number six pick the Dolphins instead choose to pass him up in order to draft Art Carmody the kicker from Louisville. Cam Cameron, Randy Mueller, and Wayne Huizenga are found murdered later that evening on the streets of Miami. The entire Dolphins fanbase is brought in for questioning.

    9. Michael Vick will be bailed out of his prison.


    By whom you ask? Every cat in the world that has had millions of dollars left to them by old people. The cats will argue that Vick did the world a great justice by taking out several of their mortal enemies. Vick later signs a contract to appear in Meow Mix commercials.

    8. Ethan Albright will be rated 100 overall in the next Madden game.

    Albright will sue EA Games over defamation of character causing the company to cave in and give him the highest overall in the history of the game. Not only will EA give him this rating but they will also add in Long Snapper mode where you too can experience the thrill of throwing a football back ten feet from your ass.

    7. Merril Hoge will become ESPNís best NFL analyst.

    Just kidding, not even on this list is that possible.

    6. The Bengals will change their uniforms.

    In order to please the fans who say their most recent uniforms are an eyesore the Bengals once again decide to update them. They decide to go with a look that best displays their playerís public image: Orange Jumpsuits.

    5. Mike Williams will be moved to LT.

    Mike Williams will show up at Raiders practice one day weighing 325 pounds. Al Davis, in one of his few moves of genius, moves the bust from receiver to left tackle. Williams thrives at his new position and leads all tackles in Pro Bowl votes by week eleven. After hearing of this news Al Davis decides to move his other bust, Robert Gallery, to defensive end. Gallery ends up leading the team in sacks and is named as an All Pro along with Williams. Davis, thinking he has found the key to turning careers around, signs Tim Couch to be his running back in 2008.

    4. Jim Sorgi will replace Peyton Manning as the starter in Indianapolis.

    The Colts will open the season 0-4 and after Peyton Manning is leaving practice while complaining to his team mates Jim Sorgi will hit him in the head with an eighty yard pass in order to shut him up. Tony Dungy, now with his star quarterback embarassed and incredibly impressed by Sorgiís arm strength will decide to start the former Wisconsin quarterback for the rest of the season. Sorgi throws for 400 yards and six touchdowns in his debut proving anyone who had doubts wrong. Manning will then call on his daddy to save him, Archie complains and whines until Peyton is finally traded during week six to the Atlanta Falcons. Arthur Blank, ecstatic about having another insane contract but this time with a squeaky clean player will proclaim that things are looking up for the Falcons. Peyton is arrested in June for gambling on platypus fights.

    3. Larry Johnson will carry the ball 425 times.


    Chief homers will still insist that he hasnít carried the ball too much and wonít have any injury problems in the future.

    2. Rex Grossman will not turn the ball over once (according to stats).


    The NFL, realizing that Rex Grossman really needs an emotional lift after blowing the Super Bowl will not count any interception or fumble committed by Rex during the season. Official tally: 0, Unofficial tally: 63. Rex Grossman, now completely cured of depression because he didnít turn over the ball will begin motivational speaking across the country. All is well until he runs into Ryan Leaf who shoots him dead on the spot. When asked why he did it Leaf proclaims ďIf anybody shouldnít have turnovers counted against them, itís me.Ē

    1. The Detroit Lions will win the Super Bowl.

    In one of the most dominating seasons in the history of the NFL the Detroit Lions will go 13-3 and win homefield advantage in the playoffs. After dominating the Redskins and Falcons the Lions will face off against the Jim Sorgi lead Colts in Super Bowl XLII on February 3rd, 2008. After a back and forth battle for the first fifty-eight minutes of football the Lions will take over from their fifteen trailing by five with two minutes to go. Jon Kitna will lead an incredible two minute drill into Colts territory culminating in a 4th & Goal play from the Colts' eight yard line with six seconds to go. Kitna will drop back in the shotgun and look for a receiver but is rushed by Dwight Freeney. Kitna in a desperate attempt to not get sacked chucks the ball up in the air only for it to be hit at the line of scrimmage by Raheem Brock. George Foster will scoop the ball up before it hits the ground and run over three Colts defenders on his way for a touchdown as time runs out. George Foster is named Super Bowl MVP during the post game celebration Matt Millen is brought on the stage and claims that he made a tremendous trade that finally paid off and Foster is being moved to running back because of his outstanding game-winning play. During the draft the Lions have a chance to fill the hole of Foster's move by selecting Jake Long who has some how fallen through the cracks to the last pick in the first round. Millen instead decides to draft DeSean Jackson from California proclaiming that you can never have enough wide receivers despite Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson catching both 100 balls in 2007. Regardless, Matt Millen is named as Time's Man Of The Year on December 31st, 2008. Satan is seen wearing a scarf and mittens soon after.

  • #2
    one of the most hilarious post ever!


    Life is hard then we die

    The only real wisdom is knowing you know nothing

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    • #3
      I sense a tad bit of bitterness associated with this post.

      Magical sig by OSUGiants

      SSAEL....... its a new revolution!


      Originally posted by Job
      On another note, Nicklas Backstrom is amazingly good.
      Meanwhile, in hockey the other night, the Washington Capitals' Eric Belanger gets hit with a stick, loses EIGHT teeth, has an instant root canal in the locker room, comes back out and PLAYS and never says boo.

      So new rule, NBA: Unless you have a root canal at halftime, SHUT UP AND PLAY!

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      • #4
        This is hilarious. Great post.

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        • #5
          He forgot that the Titans were going to build off their 8 wins from last year


          Follow me on Twitter! http://twitter.com/#!/aMo_Captain

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          • #6
            I had a good laugh



            Sig thanks to Bonekrusher

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            • #7
              longsnappers snap it 45 feet.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by kalbears13 View Post
                longsnappers snap it 45 feet.
                Congratulations, you earn a gold star for knowing a stat nobody gives a rat's ass about.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by princefielder28 View Post
                  He forgot that the Titans were going to build off their 8 wins from last year
                  Haha, very funny. I hate all of you :)
                  "A lot of people say this and say that about us, but thatís a good thing. We want to keep it low, and we donít want all the hype going with the Tennessee Titans. We want to just keep it low. Yíall just keep talking about us, talking bad about us, so we can just continue to go out there each week and show the whole world what type of football team we are." -- Vince Young

                  T-minus 1 year until the beginning of the Titans Dynasty!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by TitanAddict View Post
                    Haha, very funny. I hate all of you :)

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                    • #11


                      The Red Snapper, the man, the myth, the legend.

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                      • #12
                        good laugh haha

                        Sig By Diehardvikingfan

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by TitanAddict View Post
                          Haha, very funny. I hate all of you :)
                          hate is a strong word


                          Follow me on Twitter! http://twitter.com/#!/aMo_Captain

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by princefielder28 View Post
                            hate is a strong word
                            What is this ... Fahrenheit 451?

                            I'll just stop saying anything remotely offensive :(
                            "A lot of people say this and say that about us, but thatís a good thing. We want to keep it low, and we donít want all the hype going with the Tennessee Titans. We want to just keep it low. Yíall just keep talking about us, talking bad about us, so we can just continue to go out there each week and show the whole world what type of football team we are." -- Vince Young

                            T-minus 1 year until the beginning of the Titans Dynasty!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by TitanAddict View Post
                              What is this ... Fahrenheit 451?

                              I'll just stop saying anything remotely offensive :(
                              I didn't take it offensively......


                              Follow me on Twitter! http://twitter.com/#!/aMo_Captain

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