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Favorite Comedian Quotes

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  • Favorite Comedian Quotes

    I know we have a favorite stand-up comedian thread... now here's one for quotes...
    Penn State University - Detroit Red Wings - New York Jets - Red Bull New York - Fulham FC

  • #2
    Mitch Hedberg

    here's a few:

    I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
    People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
    I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
    Penn State University - Detroit Red Wings - New York Jets - Red Bull New York - Fulham FC

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    • #3
      Haha the third one is classic. RIP Mitch. "I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it"

      And then he had another one where he had to write a screenplay for a TV show or something, and the guy told him to rewrite it. And he was like: "**** that, I'll just make a copy." haha

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      • #4
        Dude I love Mitch Hedburg. Too bad he died.

        I'm gonna open a McDonald's and not participate in ****. Hamburgers, nope. We got spaghetti and blankets.

        I think thats how it went.

        Big time Thank You to BoneKrusher!

        Who Dat Nation!

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        • #5
          we should just make a mitch hedburg appreciation thread and put a ton of his quotes in because i like reading them...

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          • #6
            Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by McBain View Post
              Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.
              lol, good for you

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              • #8
                Originally posted by McBain View Post
                Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.
                I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by badgerbacker View Post
                  I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?
                  The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, that thing was ****** relentless.
                  -Mitch

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                  • #10
                    off the top of my head

                    "tennis is a depressing sport... no matter how good i get ill never be as good as a wall..."

                    EDIT: oops someone beat me to it
                    Penn State University - Detroit Red Wings - New York Jets - Red Bull New York - Fulham FC

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mangini for pres View Post
                      EDIT: oops someone beat me to it
                      Damn Straight

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                      • #12
                        we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

                        sig by me.. first in ages, pm with requests

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                        • #13
                          i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco
                          Bubba kush for breakfast, with my captain crunch
                          I smoke ten blunts before lunch
                          Gucci Mane

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by wiscbadgerfootball View Post
                            we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit
                            Really? I heard that skit and didn't really think much of it. I mean, it was amusing and I liked some of his other stuff but I guess I just don't "get" some of his humor. Back to the subject one of my favorite quotes is Demetri Martin's...

                            "If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, Id probably just start calling out letters. "

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                            • #15
                              i liked that show on Comedy Central called: Shortys Watching Shortys

                              some of the Dane Cook ones were funny

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