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Favorite Comedian Quotes

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  • #16
    lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.

    ^A Bonekrusher production^
    #15
    Gamertag= ELDUDERINO1165

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    • #17
      Originally posted by wiscbadgerfootball View Post
      we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit
      When he talks about holidays...that's the second best.

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      • #18
        "I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust." - Bill Hicks

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        • #19
          Lavelle Crawford..

          Taliban:"Read this to your country fat black man!"
          LC:"I can't read.. I'm hooked on phonics you sunuvabish!"
          Taliban:"We're gonna cut your head off!"
          LC:"Man I don't have no neck!.. Only thing you could with that blade is give me a nice little tight fade".

          LC: "We got mad at Clinton for getting a blowjob.. SO! That's what you're supposed to do when you is president!.. All you gotta say is you go down on me, I'll go down on taxes.."

          LC:"Them people in Iraq are crazy.. They crazy.. They throw rocks.. AT TANKS. If you throw a Rock at a tank.. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT S***! Be like, 'Why did you do that?.. I'm angry.. GET YO STUPID ASS BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

          LC: "Indonesia do sound like a black name.. INDONESIA IF YOU DON'T GET INSIDE THIS HOUSE! INDONESIA GET OUT OF THEM PEOPLE'S YARD! SRI LANKA GET YOUR SISTER INDONESIA AND GET IN HERE"


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          • #20
            "*****, what the **** is juice?! I want some grape drink!!"

            "I don't want to dance, I'm scared to death!"
            The whole world loves neophyte athletic tight end Jimmy Graham from Miami with the 95th pick. "Best pick in the draft,'' one AFC coach told me. "Give him time, and in that offense, he'll be better than [Jeremy] Shockey by the start of next year.''

            “We know that no matter the adversity, be it the lockout, be it the suspension or be it a hurricane, our men will pull together and defend the honor of this city. We’ve shown we’ve been able to do that.” - Jabari Greer

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            • #21
              Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.
              Originally posted by 7-11
              Originally posted by Renji
              Keyshawn because i just hate T.O. he is a cocky son of a biscuit
              But an athletic marvel for a second generation confectionary product

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              • #22
                Originally posted by litlharsh View Post
                Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.
                "I want some apple drink! IT'S GREEN!!!!"
                The whole world loves neophyte athletic tight end Jimmy Graham from Miami with the 95th pick. "Best pick in the draft,'' one AFC coach told me. "Give him time, and in that offense, he'll be better than [Jeremy] Shockey by the start of next year.''

                “We know that no matter the adversity, be it the lockout, be it the suspension or be it a hurricane, our men will pull together and defend the honor of this city. We’ve shown we’ve been able to do that.” - Jabari Greer

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                • #23
                  whats all this chocolate on your face?


                  chocolate??? its doo doo baby!

                  Hitman D

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                  • #24
                    I don't appreciate the stereotype of how because im fat I eat everything...during the normal course of a day I eat like a normal human...unless im high or go to a buffet...high...but come on thats like taking a kid to Disney World and expecting him to only ride a few rides. I have to get it all, and at those places I want my moneys worth and though I can eat like two peoples moneys worth...its all you can eat if you don't listen to that sign you might as well disregard Stop signs and speed limits all together....signs are the boss....

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by themaninblack View Post
                      lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.
                      I think it is him that said

                      "I realize I use the word '****' a lot, and I'd apologize for that, but I just don't give a ****."


                      Life is hard then we die

                      The only real wisdom is knowing you know nothing

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by ripdw27 View Post
                        i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco
                        Dave Chappelle: Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!
                        [whacks the microphone on the stand]
                        David Chappelle: Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ****** broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.'
                        David Chappelle: I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild ****, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and shi'. He's like, "Where you from, dog? DC? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up *****? What? What the ****, slow down, what? What the ****? No! No! No! **** it, I'm on my way!"
                        [Boop]
                        David Chappelle: "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick." At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the **** you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say ****. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A ******* crackhead ran this way, tktktktktktk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and ****, tktktk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me. At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a ******* limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a ******* baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either, click! clllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that ****. But where is this limousine driver?" As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the **** are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, *****!"
                        They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like **** the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "*****! I LIVE IN A ******* TRASHCAN!"
                        David Chappelle: Hello, emergency. Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aaahh. Look. There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business. "Get out here ******." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry.
                        hahaha thats some funny stuff
                        CHRIS PETERSEN > STEVE SARKISIAN AND JIM MORA. CALL ME WHEN ONE MAKES A BCS BOWL.


                        Originally posted by slightlyabroncosfan
                        JBalla is mormon, so naturally he assumes that whenever you get one marriage done, another two or five are in the works.

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                        • #27
                          "Also, have you noticed whenever someone dies, there is always crack sprinkled on them? Nobody gets shot and sprinkles crack on themselves."
                          CHRIS PETERSEN > STEVE SARKISIAN AND JIM MORA. CALL ME WHEN ONE MAKES A BCS BOWL.


                          Originally posted by slightlyabroncosfan
                          JBalla is mormon, so naturally he assumes that whenever you get one marriage done, another two or five are in the works.

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                          • #28
                            It's not nearly as funny posting the quotes as actually watching or listening to them. Listen to Mitch Hedberg's Do Not Disturb. That is comedic genius.


                            Originally posted by Halsey
                            I don't have to watch it to know it was not interesting.

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                            • #29
                              my favorite mitch quote;


                              "I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl that would be really mad if she heard me say that."

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                              • #30
                                Ron White: Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are. I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours. So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had no idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh? So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying. "Mr White, I don't think... *Rolex* makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy.
                                adfafsdfasdf

                                Hitman D

                                "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." - Henry David Thoreau

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