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Favorite Comedian Quotes

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  • #31
    daniel tosh

    I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.
    "You all know you played this game! Ah the floor is lava! It meant you were poor as dirt. 'Hey Mom, can I have a nintendo?!' 'THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!' 'What the **** is wrong with this house?! Why can't we have carpet?!'
    Penn State University - Detroit Red Wings - New York Jets - Red Bull New York - Fulham FC

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    • #32
      heres a good chappelle quote (im just kinda wingin it)

      One time i took my kids to disney world. Every one came up to me like im rick james ***** hey im rick jaaames. i was pissed off. even mickey mouse did it. im rick james ***** hahaha so i hit him with the uppercut POW n off came his head. Everyone started freakin out "oh my god mickey mouse is mexican"

      haha good quote not on here yet
      Bubba kush for breakfast, with my captain crunch
      I smoke ten blunts before lunch
      Gucci Mane

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      • #33
        im kinda shocked on one has said "git r done" lol
        Bubba kush for breakfast, with my captain crunch
        I smoke ten blunts before lunch
        Gucci Mane

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by ripdw27 View Post
          heres a good chappelle quote (im just kinda wingin it)

          One time i took my kids to disney world. Every one came up to me like im rick james ***** hey im rick jaaames. i was pissed off. even mickey mouse did it. im rick james ***** hahaha so i hit him with the uppercut POW n off came his head. Everyone started freakin out "oh my god mickey mouse is mexican"

          haha good quote not on here yet
          I'm guessing nobody posted it, because it's not that funny.

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          • #35
            ah its funnyer when chappelle does it
            Bubba kush for breakfast, with my captain crunch
            I smoke ten blunts before lunch
            Gucci Mane

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            • #36
              Dave Chapelle: "HEY BABY! BABY! What are you doing out on that corner right now? HEY BABY.. BABY!"

              The Baby: "***** I'm sellin weed!"


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              • #37
                Lavelle Crawford


                "This world goin crazy I been runnin into stupid people everywhere I go, just dumb folk! They need to lock dumb people up, I swear to God. I live in Los Angeles ain't nothin but ******** people there. This lady gonna come up to me with a coffee can talkin bout, chingle chingle chingle, chingle chingle chingle, Tsunami relief! Tsunami relief! I looked at her said, What the hell is a tsunami?! She looked at me, went (gasp!) You don't know what a tsunami is?! I went, (Gasp!) No I don't know what a tsunami is! She said, you're gonna stand there and tell me you don't know what a tsunami is?! I said heifa,I'll stand anywhere you want me to, I'm gonna tell you right now I don't know what the hell a tsunami is! She really got pissed off, You don't! I said, ***** I told you I don't know what the hell a Goddamn tsunami is! Last time I seen a tsunami was between two pieces of white bread, and I ate that **** with some corn chips! She got real mad talkin bout, You bastard! That's not a tsunami that's a salami! I said, well, tsunami, salami, balogna, get your stupid ass out my face!"
                "I come out the bathroom and people looking at me like I did something wrong. Some ***** wanna be smart and said "Someone fart and get some fresh air in here".
                (something like that)

                I touch myself so much, my thang got a restraining order on me.

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                • #38
                  from The Sarah Silverman Program:
                  Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up. About ten years ago, I got pregnant and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby. And for about 8 and a half months, I listened to them until, finally, I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say, “get this thing out of me!” And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It took hours. I had to physically push the fetus out of me and when it came out it was crying and covered in this, like, gooky stuff. I didn’t have the money to pay, so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color because that’s what was funny back then. Heather, you have a choice, you can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you the rest of your life or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams… so what’s it going to be?

                  Pick the Winners Champion 2008 | 2011

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Ron White
                    They call me tater...
                    Ron white's the best of the blue collar guys IMO



                    Sig thanks to Bonekrusher

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