Relationship Advice Thread

[BaLLiN]

Originally Posted by BigDawg819

I know where you are and hell right there with you this very instant. The unknown factors will drive you mad and ultimately lead into a nasty depression. Walk away. Delete the number. And slowly begin to heal. Do not make any life changing decisions for awhile. If you love her that much and she's pulling this nonsense then she doesn't feel the same way towards you. And that is unacceptable.

I know what I'm suggesting seems impossible. I know it sounds like I don't "know" or "understand" her and/or the situation. But I do. All too well. I'm living it right now. And I did exactly what I'm telling you to do. I feel like I'm betraying her. I feel like I'm giving up when I swore to myself I never would.

Its not giving up, its choosing oneself over madness. We do not know what the future holds. But if these ladies don't want to be apart of our lives right now then we must remain a part of our lives by living them.

I won't dare bore you with any tired cliche, I'll just be blunt. Move on without her. If some where down the road your paths cross, you deal with it them. Right now you can't destroy yourself with some warped sense of loyalty. If you don't make the hard decision now, you'll only slip away until one day you wake up wondering why the hell you let this girl destroy you.

You said this greatly, I am more prone to holding on, especially since my relationship is relatively new. The thing keeping her from being with me officially (I basically act as her boyfriend by hanging out with her family, going as like a +1 to her friends parties, talk on the phone daily, and have sex regularly), so I confronted her about it. I told her I am not her ex, I am not going to be like him, I am me and I am fine with that. If I am not what she wants then so be it. But if i am, why would she obviously try to hold on to him by not taking the steps to get over him (complains and gets upset about him), I also told her I do not want to talk about him anymore, its disrespectful to me and our relationship.

Basically, I grew a sack, took a stand, laid out what was on my mind and what I knew and realized, and told her to stop doing this. She responded by being "annoyed" but we were able to end the conversation well, and I think she respects me more now. I am not putting up with her not making steps for us to be together by dwelling on her ex, and I had to say it.

Today we were able to have a decently good easy conversation, and she mentioned wanting to come do something specific when she comes to stay at my house for a few days over winter break from college. I think she realizes she can't do this to me or herself anymore.

[MetSox17]

As long as you keep ******* her, it's all good.

[RCAChainGang]

Hey guys just a quick question. I'm trying to date seriously because I just would rather not fool around for no purpose. The problem is I get stuck on girls pretty easily. I have had maybe three girls in the past two years I wanted to pursue dates with and they didn't work out.

For guys that are in healthy relationships: Did you ever date someone thinking you wouldn't be interested and then become interested? I'm picky with how I date and I'm starting to think that I should just start dropping the standards and date some people to boost confidence (as awful as that sounds).

[kalbears13]

Originally Posted by RCAChainGang

Hey guys just a quick question. I'm trying to date seriously because I just would rather not fool around for no purpose. The problem is I get stuck on girls pretty easily. I have had maybe three girls in the past two years I wanted to pursue dates with and they didn't work out.

For guys that are in healthy relationships: Did you ever date someone thinking you wouldn't be interested and then become interested? I'm picky with how I date and I'm starting to think that I should just start dropping the standards and date some people to boost confidence (as awful as that sounds).

I definitely feel you. I went on one of those dates tonight. It was a waste of my time and boring.

(Granted I already knew her pretty well and I went in with a pretty closed mind. She was probably just boring.)

[BaLLiN]

ok same girl.

so its been awhile, we have had our ups and downs, she still really likes her ex but realizes that things cant happen. Thats sucky for me but she likes me, she brought me to meet her family multiple times and ive hung out with her siblings and friends and we had a steady sexual relationship.

I knew there was trouble when she told me i could do what i want bc we aren't bf and gf, but we essentially functioned as such. Well she had sex with someone, and when she previously explained having sex w someone not meaning anything she said she could be drunk and it could be with her friend and just be physical. Well she had sex, i dont know with who but that means its premeditated to me. I told her i didn't want that obviously when she first explained it (not when it actually happened).

She didn't want to tell me until she was at my house for three days. She told me alot of stuff about how she cared about me and realized she was ****** up because she wanted to be with me but couldnt let go of her ex who cared less about her than i did. She left me a voicemail, she texted me and told me that she wanted things to be ok, she wanted to be with me.

Honestly i know i can forgive her, but i shouldn't. If you care about someone, in my opinion, you dont want anything else with anyone else. I still like her alot, but i don't think it would be ok for me to be ok with it.

[Rob S]

Abandon immediately.

[killxswitch]

Originally Posted by BaLLiN

ok same girl.

so its been awhile, we have had our ups and downs, she still really likes her ex but realizes that things cant happen. Thats sucky for me but she likes me, she brought me to meet her family multiple times and ive hung out with her siblings and friends and we had a steady sexual relationship.

I knew there was trouble when she told me i could do what i want bc we aren't bf and gf, but we essentially functioned as such. Well she had sex with someone, and when she previously explained having sex w someone not meaning anything she said she could be drunk and it could be with her friend and just be physical. Well she had sex, i dont know with who but that means its premeditated to me. I told her i didn't want that obviously when she first explained it (not when it actually happened).

She didn't want to tell me until she was at my house for three days. She told me alot of stuff about how she cared about me and realized she was ****** up because she wanted to be with me but couldnt let go of her ex who cared less about her than i did. She left me a voicemail, she texted me and told me that she wanted things to be ok, she wanted to be with me.

Honestly i know i can forgive her, but i shouldn't. If you care about someone, in my opinion, you dont want anything else with anyone else. I still like her alot, but i don't think it would be ok for me to be ok with it.

If you met her family, and then she got drunk and had sex with another person, move on. No technicality bull****. If you just want to bang her casually that's different but that is obviously not what you are after.

[BaLLiN]

idk, i invested a lot in this girl. She does mean a lot to me, and I knew it was going to happen to the point where when she told me I was not surprised, I was upset, but I am less upset about the act and morseo about the reasoning.

She knows what I want and is dwindling it infront of me, its the only thing keeping me from being completely fine with moving on. If she dropped everything and drove to me I would forgive her, heck I pretty much do right now. That scares me.

[Rob S]

Dude, she slept with someone else while you are trying to convince her to commit to you. Abandon and sever ties.

[Forenci]

Drop her like a sack of potatoes man.

If she cheats on you, which regardless of the label she claims to have NOT put on it, its cheating. If you like someone, or love them, you don't have sex with someone else.

Seriously, move on man. It may seem like she's amazing and "the one" but if she can do this once, she will most certainly do it again. Girl clearly has problems and needs to stop worrying about guys. Clearly needs to focus on herself instead.

Not to mention she's clearly into her ex still. Which is stupid. Sometimes you just have to sack up and cut off all ties with someone. I'm a very compassionate person and believe in second chances or third chance, but when it comes to relationships you only get one chance. If you truly care about someone, you never cheat on them.

[Rosebud]

Time for a Donkey Punch.

[RCAChainGang]

That really sucks BaLLiN, but yeah I'm with these guys -- move on. Much easier said than done I know. Hell, I think I'm always in the move on stage of life. I need help.

[Rosebud]

You don't have to move on, but you seem to have really fallen for this girl, so having a purely sexual relationship with this trifflin skank seems unlikely, which at this point is all she's good for.

[BamaFalcon59]

Quit being a v&gina and drop her. She had sex with another guy when drunk. Skank.

[killxswitch]

Originally Posted by BamaFalcon59

Quit being a v&gina and drop her. She had sex with another guy when drunk. Skank.

Seriously. Ballin, just try to be objective for a second. Think of it as if one of us were asking you for advice, and gave you the following facts.

- This girl is openly still into her ex
- She knows I want a relationship but refuses to commit to one
- But she took me to meet her family
- She got drunk and had sex with some other guy (not even her ex, just some guy)

We see this all the time on this forum. You are being a sucker. You are being played. You have feelings for her, and those are understandable. I'm sure she has some redeeming qualities, and she has sex with you, so I get not wanting to move on from her. But you are not on equal footing with her. She is using you for some needs she has (both physical and emotional from what you've said) but going to other guys for other needs/wants and is actively denying you what you want most, which is a committed relationship with her.

Things like taking you to meet her family and making you feel like you kinda sorta are in a relationship are likely things she concedes so she can keep you around for what she wants. But she clearly is not committed to you and even if she pays lip service to your desire for a committed, monogamous relationship, you cannot trust her to keep such a commitment.

I feel like I am wasting my time, because you are going to do whatever you want. But if you stay with her (not that you are really with her) you are being a doormat and a sucker and letting her take advantage of you. Value yourself more than that.

[BaLLiN]

Thank you guys, I can feel myself getting stronger

[SuperPacker]

Originally Posted by BaLLiN

Thank you guys, I can feel myself getting stronger

You know MOTH don't you? Well you don't want to be like him. Walk away before you get hurt some more.

[MetSox17]

Ballin, she's using you as the emotional outlet she isn't getting from the ex she actually likes, and she's banging dudes on the side to get her physical needs met. When she said "it's okay for you to see other people" what she's really saying is "please, go see other people so i don't feel guilty about getting railed by random guys i want". You need to bounce. You clearly have serious feelings for the girl and she doesn't, there's no need to put yourself through more stress. You got a lemon, it's time to cut your losses.

[vidae]

Originally Posted by MetSox17

Ballin, she's using you as the emotional outlet she isn't getting from the ex she actually likes, and she's banging dudes on the side to get her physical needs met. When she said "it's okay for you to see other people" what she's really saying is "please, go see other people so i don't feel guilty about getting railed by random guys i want". You need to bounce. You clearly have serious feelings for the girl and she doesn't, there's no need to put yourself through more stress. You got a lemon, it's time to cut your losses.

Great advice here. Heed it.

Too many people are putting the ***** on a pedestal.

[Brent]

Originally Posted by MetSox17

Ballin, she's using you as the emotional outlet she isn't getting from the ex she actually likes, and she's banging dudes on the side to get her physical needs met. When she said "it's okay for you to see other people" what she's really saying is "please, go see other people so i don't feel guilty about getting railed by random guys i want". You need to bounce. You clearly have serious feelings for the girl and she doesn't, there's no need to put yourself through more stress. You got a lemon, it's time to cut your losses.

Ballin, you are still young enough for The Ladder Theory to still work with women. Look it up.

[BaLLiN]

She kept texting me, kept calling me. I answered the call and proceeded to make her know that I do not want her in my life.

I told her to take out a piece of paper and write two columns:

Girl 1:
- Still likes her ex, not taking steps to get over him
- Knows I want a relationship but refuses to commit to one
- took me to meet her family despite not wanting a relationship
- Had sex with someone else and doesn't think its a mistake
- Wants what she can't have
- Uses me as an emotional outlet, rather than a relationship on its own
- makes me happy occasionally, but can make me very happy
- is attractive

Girl 2:
- talks to me and makes sure I am ok
- wants to spend time with me
- openly wants a relationship with me
- doesn't make me feel upset, but doesn't make me feel as happy
- hasn't hurt me
- is attractive

I told her I am not here to hear her talk about her ex, I am not here to be waiting while she has sex with other people. I liked her and wanted a relationship. Asked for a definitive answer on what she wants and she said she wants to be with me. Idk if its genuine but she was really upset and she talked to her sister, brother, mother, friends, and her dad about it and her sister told her she was stupid.

I asked her about why she had sex and she said it just happened. She laughed when I said that she had an emotional attachment to the guy. That whole thing is messed up.

She asked me why I didn't go with the other girl, I told her If I was smart I would, but I told her that I liked her more than that girl when she allowed us to happen and when she did it was easy.

Honestly, I am at the point where I am leaning toward nothing. She asked me if I'd be her friend and I said no. She asked me would I have if we dated officially, and I said it was different because that mean she wouldve tried, but It would likely not happen.

But my cousins told me that cheating is dumb, and said that she could have been testing out to see if she really liked me. thats ****** up, but possible.

I let her know I am on the edge of being gone, and she told me that she cared about me obviously because it was hard for her to tell me, she spent time trying to say she was sorry, and is really upset.

Edit:

Also said that I described her as a monster, and a *****, and that she sucks. And I said yes lol.

Im gunna say that if she likes me as much as she claims, she has to prove it.

And for clarification, this is the only time she has had sex with/kissed/anything with anyone since we have been together

[Rob S]

Of course she's upset. You just took charge and seized the power in whatever you two have going on. Classic "my dick is a rocketship" move. The advice still stands, run away as fast as you can.

[BaLLiN]

Originally Posted by Rob S

Of course she's upset. You just took charge and seized the power in whatever you two have going on. Classic "my dick is a rocketship" move. The advice still stands, run away as fast as you can.

im gunna let it play out, one foot out the door.

Edit: she also said she was sober and it was with a friend, whom she has no emotional attachment to and that he knows it is nothing. Said that people saying they are drunk is a stupid excuse to not wanting to own up to it.

[Rob S]

I don't get "letting it play out". What is there to play out? If you weren't head over heels for her, I'd recommend that for sure, but all you're doing is setting yourself up for hurt when you inevitably start boning again and she cheats for the second time.

[SuperPacker]

The more you "let it play out", the more chance she has of crawling back into your life. Get out of their quick before she convinces you that she isn't a *****. She is.