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Old 12-07-2013, 02:31 PM    (permalink
INFINITE CONSCIOUSNESS
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Default Rudimentary Contributions To A Prospective Klaus List

To my esteemed gentlemen!

Allow me to introduce myself, although my own being is of no importance.

My Christian name is as follows and listen closely young steeds, as I speak with thunder:

I be Ricardo Armando Patiņo Aroca and I am the former foreign ministor of La Republica del Ecuadorrrrrrrrrrrr!

Some of you may remember a grand old man with the Christian name Klaus. Oh, what a grand man he be, the lord of the manor since 1313 he be!

Unfortunately, due to various Roman web forum rules, Klaus is unable to paint his brain. Hence, Klaus says to me:

"please sir, go to the computer at the Ecuadorian foreign ministry and forward this communique to some men who may find it of interest."

Ergo, to those men who may find the following of interest!

Best regards,
Ricardo Armando Patiņo Aroca


RUDIMENTARY CONTRIBUTIONS TO A PROSPECTIVE KLAUS LIST


As I sit on my astrothrone, I watch galaxies unfold. Nebulae curl around interstellar dust. Space-time is the fabric of a deft weaver-man.

Look! An ionized gas caresses with an element of helium.

Behold! Ultraviolet radiation initiates the blackest of gravitional collapses.

From my astrothrone, I see the conception of new worlds.


Herald! Procure me quill and parchment - I have thoughts to inscribe into eternity.


QUARTERS -

Blake Bortles.

The name raises immediate concerns. The KLAUS list has not seen such an abomination since Glaine Babbert and look where that ice cream tester ended up - in the trashbin of history, as the KLAUS list anticipated.

The KLAUS list first became aware of one Bortles from the accolades posted by various losers on various web forums. Once again, the forum losers show why they be such.

On this level where these things happen and go in the way of this world, the way in which this world is happening on this level are occurring according to newtonian physics and this means a straightforward framework, you dig? Gentlemen, its as obvious as the first act a sailor will execute when returning to port: This Bortles character throws the eliptical ball like a ******* shot putter. One Blork seems to think he is a little punt-punt man, where so-called hang time is decisive. It didn't work for Peter Tom Willis, it won't work for you Blork Borltes.

Derek Carr.

His brother was a coward and that bears immediate woes. The coward gene has not appeared to have bypassed this variation of the Carr organism. Carr moves with a constant anticipative cringe in regard to any potential physical commerce. Some fool organ will take this coward in the first phase and then be unemployed in a few years. So be it. The KLAUS list will not open a single tear duct for their absolute folly.

Teddy Bridgewater.

Linear movements, like some variant of a robot. This would not be problematic if this were an intelligent robot. A series of fatuous decisions, interrupted by the occasional inane farce.

The KLAUS list understands why this man has received acclaim by the less intelligent in the profession: Teddywater listens to what his superiors tell him, and prosecutes accordingly. Yet this is accomplished without any consideration of context; it is performed without any sense of creativity. Verdict: the trashbin of history.

Johnny Manziel*

To quote the young De Niro in Taxi Driver: and suddenly, there is change. The KLAUS list initially approached the Manziel footage on SPECTREVISION with hesitation: media prominence is disproportional to essential quality. Manziel violates this rule, at once explaning why much of the presentations of his personnage in this same media are negative.

Unlike his coward elder brother whose only premier league championship is the result of confronting in the grand final a unit led by the odious Lovie Smith (!!!), Eli Manning has mesmerized the KLAUS list for years with his absolute stoic grace in the most decisive of moments. Those are the only moments that mean anything: forget the mundane, the quotidian, the everyday. Forget Peyton Manning going 15-1 every year against Gus "The Wrestler" Bradley and other idiots of this world, only to drink ocean bottom in the first phase of the elimination round.

Manziel is a more flexible version of the eternally young Eli organism. The antithesis of faintheartedness synthesized to an intuition as clear as the light of the sun. "Everything under the heavens is in total chaos, the situation is perfect": So said Chairman Mao, and Manziel, like all grand men of history, confronted with the vortex of the astrothrone, would subscribe to this same statement. Hard drinking and hard living means one who is not afraid of life nor death. One Manziel: the highest possible endorsement from the KLAUS list.


*Apparently, of Lebanese descent, along the lines of Flutie, Elway and others. Someone should compose a tome about the mysterious Lebanon-American football link. What be your secrets, Land of the Cedar?

Last edited by INFINITE CONSCIOUSNESS : 12-07-2013 at 03:00 PM.
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Old 12-07-2013, 02:39 PM    (permalink
fredder
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So Manziel is the only good Qb this year because he excels when things go wrong? Maybe it's worth thinking about why it seems things are always going wrong for him. He struggles to make simple reads and throw the ball accurately and on time consistently.
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Old 12-07-2013, 02:41 PM    (permalink
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That was... funny?
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Old 12-07-2013, 03:00 PM    (permalink
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Old 12-07-2013, 03:24 PM    (permalink
Caulibflower
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Agree with everything, except I think Bridgewater's "mechanical" style just reflects the fact that he is very rarely confused about what is going on. I'm not going to knock him for being methodical.

Also, I watched Bortles against South Carolina again last night and I still don't get it.
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Old 12-07-2013, 03:46 PM    (permalink
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Sounds like the foreign minister of bull **** if you ask me. Author needs to put down the crack pipe.
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Old 12-07-2013, 04:01 PM    (permalink
fredder
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Originally Posted by Caulibflower View Post
Agree with everything, except I think Bridgewater's "mechanical" style just reflects the fact that he is very rarely confused about what is going on. I'm not going to knock him for being methodical.

Also, I watched Bortles against South Carolina again last night and I still don't get it.
Agreed. Some other "mechanical" Qbs could include both Mannings and Tom Brady. The reason I don't like Manziel as much as others is because he isn't "mechanical" and often has to improvise when the play breaks down which happens way too often with him. 90+% of being a good QB is being able to run a play as its designed and to make the correct read and deliver the ball accurately and on time.
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Old 12-07-2013, 04:13 PM    (permalink
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Sounds like the foreign minister of bull **** if you ask me. Author needs to put down the crack pipe.
Bortles is a poor man's Jake Locker.
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Old 12-07-2013, 04:21 PM    (permalink
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Bortles is a poor man's Jake Locker.
He reminds me more of Jay Cutler. Very accurate and sneaky mobility.

That South Carolina game you referenced was early in the year and even with two ints he still threw for 358 yds at about a 70% clip. My favorite QB in this draft.
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Old 12-07-2013, 04:26 PM    (permalink
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Wow such analysis.


I love the name Blork though.
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Old 12-07-2013, 04:39 PM    (permalink
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Old 12-07-2013, 04:47 PM    (permalink
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seems like we get one of these every season and there is nobody i'd rather get analysis from, tbh
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Old 12-07-2013, 05:04 PM    (permalink
Caulibflower
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He reminds me more of Jay Cutler. Very accurate and sneaky mobility.

That South Carolina game you referenced was early in the year and even with two ints he still threw for 358 yds at about a 70% clip. My favorite QB in this draft.
Babylon... you're better than this, dude. You ought to know better than to point to stats. He doesn't have good accuracy down the field. His arm isn't nearly as strong as Cutler's. Yes, he does have mobility. Against South Carolina, he wasn't beating defenders with his arm. It was a lot of crossing routes and screen passes, and on a lot of comeback-type routes his lack of zip meant that defenders closed on the pass quickly and his receivers were often tackled immediately. Worse than that, it meant that they had to come back to the ball in order to shield it from the defender, instead of it getting to them quickly and allowing them to plant their foot, pivot, and run with it the way stop routes are supposed to work. 358 looks like a lot, but he had a receiver escape down the sideline after a poor tackle attempt for a 70ish yard reception at one point, and the completion percentage reflects less his accuracy than the fact that they had him throw a ton of short passes.

His accuracy really wasn't very good on the medium-to-long throws. He was making open receivers have to dive along the sideline to try and catch passes (and still couldn't), slow down and try to catch passes that were behind them, I saw several intermediate throws sail badly on him, and there were a couple more where he forced throws into converging coverage and got his receiver lit up. I really wasn't impressed at all. He's got the body and he does have nice athletic ability, but I don't see a special arm talent at all and I also haven't seen anything to make me believe he's got the kind of special intangibles a player needs to excel otherwise. I don't see anything to get excited about in terms of arm strength or accuracy. I see a good athlete with an ok arm, and you don't draft those guys hoping they're going to be a franchise quarterback. You draft them in like the 5th round to see how well they can absorb an NFL playbook and compete for a roster spot. I think Matt Barkley was a better prospect. Similar arm talent, but Barkley knew how to use it better. He was far more polished and technically refined. Bortles isn't, but his superior athleticism isn't enough that he can truly freelance. It bothers me that when he scrambles in the pocket his eyes come down, making me believe he's got problems with sensing pressure and being able to focus on his receivers in a shifting pocket, which is absolutely critical for an NFL quarterback.

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seems like we get one of these every season and there is nobody i'd rather get analysis from, tbh
Me too.

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Wow such analysis.
So indapendent. So bold. Wow.

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Old 12-07-2013, 05:13 PM    (permalink
Babylon
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Not sure what i'm better than to be honest. I've watched a half dozen or so UCF games and for what he does with that team to me he's the best QB in the country. Not Winston or Mariota best but of the guys coming out this year.

I've been wrong before so we'll see.
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Old 12-07-2013, 05:19 PM    (permalink
Caulibflower
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Not sure what i'm better than to be honest. I've watched a half dozen or so UCF games and for what he does with that team to me he's the best QB in the country. Not Winston or Mariota best but of the guys coming out this year.

I've been wrong before so we'll see.
I don't mean you're "better than" liking anyone, but I do think you're better than just throwing out some stats as a representation of how good he supposedly is. I'd be interested to know what, specifically, you think he does really well. I honestly don't think there's anything he does as well as Bridgewater, but you're indicating that you think he's better.
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Old 12-07-2013, 05:45 PM    (permalink
Babylon
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I don't mean you're "better than" liking anyone, but I do think you're better than just throwing out some stats as a representation of how good he supposedly is. I'd be interested to know what, specifically, you think he does really well. I honestly don't think there's anything he does as well as Bridgewater, but you're indicating that you think he's better.
Not comparing him to Teddy per se but he's 6-4 230 with very good balance and mobility. I like how his motion is over the top and to me he can make all the throws with zip on the ball. Whether he's the first QB taken or not I think he'll have the best career.

Right now I 'd probably go Bortles, Bridgewater and Carr but am open to see how the senior bowl goes for Carr as well as the combine.
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Old 12-07-2013, 05:51 PM    (permalink
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"Everything under the heavens is in total chaos, the situation is perfect": So said Chairman Mao, and Manziel, like all grand men of history, confronted with the vortex of the astrothrone, would subscribe to this same statement. Hard drinking and hard living means one who is not afraid of life nor death. One Manziel: the highest possible endorsement from the KLAUS list.
And, I found my new sig quote if Rodgers ever comes back so I can get rid of this damned Depressed Cheesehead Marshall sig.

I love Klaus.
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Old 12-07-2013, 06:56 PM    (permalink
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Sounds like the foreign minister of bull **** if you ask me. Author needs to put down the crack pipe.

You say that now. Give it a few seasons and when Borltes works for a division of Unilever, Carr has increased the unemployment rate nationwide by 0.05%, Teddywater has been revealed to be a hyper intelligent cyborg replicant and Johnny Manziel is the best QB in the NFL, you'll change your tune.
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Old 12-07-2013, 07:09 PM    (permalink
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Lil B songs make more sense than this.
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JBalla is mormon, so naturally he assumes that whenever you get one marriage done, another two or five are in the works.

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Old 12-07-2013, 07:28 PM    (permalink
JoeJoeBrown
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Klaus is a freaking genius.
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Old 12-07-2013, 07:54 PM    (permalink
descendency
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fredder View Post
So Manziel is the only good Qb this year because he excels when things go wrong? Maybe it's worth thinking about why it seems things are always going wrong for him. He struggles to make simple reads and throw the ball accurately and on time consistently.
Considering how often in the NFL you have to throw the ball when things go wrong, I would think that's a fairly important trait to find. (Not that I like Manziel, but I wouldn't overlook how important that is)
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Old 12-08-2013, 05:42 AM    (permalink
Caulibflower
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If you could, sir, I was wondering what klaus thinks of Braxton Miller as a running back. Watching him run with the ball, my brain thinks it is seeing an elite running back prospect after he has passed the line of scrimmage. He's so smooth I think people don't realize how fast he is. He's listed at 6'1" 215, and when he crosses the line he's a 6'1" 215 pound running back who looks like maybe he could run under 4.4, has fantastic acceleration and the ability to vary his speed and pull away from defenders, breaks tackles, follows blocks well, has a great feel for where defenders are on the field, uses a stiffarm effectively and when nothing else is there will even lower his shoulder into a defender's chest and plow forward for another 4 yards to make the first down indisputable. He's a terrific running back. I think the team that drafts him has an NFL caliber running back. But the thing is, he's also capable of unleashing some beautiful throws. I think whoever takes him has a guy who could easily rush for 100 yards in a game and could also have another 100 yards through the air on 3 passes where a defender thought it was one of his 20 runs. That makes him a first rounder in my eyes. I think of what I could do with that skillset on offense and it feels like it would be worth it to take him as soon as possible. I think he's the best running back in this class.
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Old 12-09-2013, 03:12 AM    (permalink
villagewarrior
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Favorite read every year.
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Old 12-10-2013, 11:32 AM    (permalink
Job Reborn
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This board needs more Klaus.
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Old 12-11-2013, 12:14 AM    (permalink
ChiFan24
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The number one way to make me hate you is to not appreciate a Klaus thread. Seriously. If you don't like this thread, **** you. I hate you.
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