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Old 09-07-2007, 06:00 PM    (permalink
Philliez01
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Default Any Writing Advice?

I already posted the link to the article in the Colts forum so you can check it out there. But does anyone have any advice on how I can improve? I am a junior, now, in HS and hope to take a journalism class in college.






The Indianapolis Colts began their quest to repeat as Super Bowl champions on NBCís Thursday Night Football! Opening night, as itís referred to, kicked off with the singing of John Cougar Mellancamp. After a few of those Reggie Bush / Peyton Manning commercials, the season began!

Colts vs. Saints; some tout it to be a potential Super Bowl preview. As Olindo Mare (former Dolphin K) kicked off to Luke Lawton, it seemed that Blue Nation was ready for some football.

But boy, did we get a scare. One the first play of the game, Peyton Manning threw a small underneath pass to starting RB Joseph Addai who, for a lack of a better term, got ďjacked upĒ by Saints CB Mike McKenzie. Addai stayed on the turf and I am certain that every fan wearing blue last night, whether they were at the RCA Dome or in their home, held their breaths. As the Colts training staff came out, several thoughts entered everyoneís minds. With only two RBs on the roster, and with NBC reminding us that none have anything more than a quick cameo with the Jets (in Luke Lawtonís case) and a CFL career (Kenton Keith); it seemed that the season was doomed. Addai would walk off, and everyone exhaled as it was deemed to have been a simple case of getting the wind knocked out of you. As the Colts went 4&Out, all I cared about was that Addai was healthy.

The first break for the Indianapolis Colts came from the foot of Olindo Mare. Always regarded as a kicker with a big foot, Mare easily had the distance for the 52-yard FG. However, it did not have the accuracy. The Colts would get the ball on their own 39 and Peyton Manning threw his first TD of the season, a perfect 27-yard pass to WR Marvin Harrison who made a great effort in keeping both feet in-bounds. It seemed that the Colts offense looked to be back in sync and that is never good for opposing defenses. The TD did come at the expense of former Colts CB Jason David who was burned by Harrison. But David would get his redemption. After another Saints drive stalled out, Reggie Wayne attempted to drag David and reach the first down marker. Unfortunately, David would take the ball 55 yards to tie the game up 7-7. After one FG by each team, the score was 10-10 at halftime.

Then the floodgates opened. The Colts struck first with a two-yard run by Addai. After the run defense kept stepping up their game, David was burned again! This time by Reggie Wayne who caught a slant by Manning for a 29-yard TD. It was then 24 Ė 10 Colts and the game was nearly out of reach. Then the game got out of hand. After another Adam Vinatieri FG, David again lost to Wayne. A 46-yard TD with 10 minutes remaining all but solidified the gameís ending. As the clock ticked down to 1:00, Matt Giordano; widely known as a player with the most hustle on ST, returned a Drew Brees INT 83 yards and the final score was:

Colts-41
Saints-10

Now a new item Iím adding to my post-game wrap-ups is Player of the Game (for both offense and defense) and Disappointment of the Game:

Offensive Player of the Game: Peyton Manning
A bit of a cop out regarding how he won Horse Trailer Player of the Game by NBC, but it has to be him. Manning again proved why heís perhaps the best QB in the game right now with his play calling ability. We even saw him throw on the run a few times, which isnít too common. Tony Ugoh, Jeff Saturday, Reggie Wayne and Joseph Addai were also up for consideration. Eric Johnson was the only Saint in consideration.

Defensive Player of the Game: Freddie Keiaho

I was high on Keiaho before the season but did not expect this. Keiaho racked 6 tackles and had an INT earlier in the game that gave the Colts momentum. He also looked decent in pass-coverage especially on a deflection on a Brees pass that was intended for Johnson. Other Colts in consideration were Bob Sanders and Marlin Jackson, Scott Fujita of the Saints was in contention as well.

Offensive Disappointment: Reggie Bush

I started him in my fantasy league and took a small hit. Bush has been expected to break out this season into the star he can become. However, he did have a few good inside runs (including one that he fought for a first down) but had a critical drop and still had a few runs for losses.

Defensive Disappointment: Jason David

Donít worry Saints fans, David isnít THAT bad. In fact, let him get accustomed to facing off against better WRs and heíll be a nice player. However, his performance after the TD was abysmal. Itíll get better but when you give up 3 TDs; itís hard to not notice.
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:08 PM    (permalink
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For starters you don't want to use exclamation points and useless sentences at the beginning. Set the stage for the game and implications of the game and then dive into what happened. People don't care about commercials and who sang the National Anthem; they want the analysis of the game and what happened.
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:12 PM    (permalink
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You jump around quite abit within paragraphs and it really stiffles any flow.
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:17 PM    (permalink
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Yeah that is one thing that I noticed. I've written prior post-game stuff for coltsnews that lacked exclamation points. Basically I was trying to add more excitement as I felt it was the best way to add that. Now that I am reading it though, he seems more "kid?" like.

I did rush the end part. The 2nd half, which was the critical juncture of hte game, is only a short paragraph.

Thank you both for the advice!
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:19 PM    (permalink
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get rid of the reference to your own fantasy league, sure it's cute if you show friends but serious readers don't care. Lose the exclamation marks and the pointless phrases you tend to use sometimes. Just sand off the edges a bit and it's a good piece.

Personally I don't lke the 'but boy' start of the game analysis (as well as princefielders' remark that nobody cares about the commercials).

Try to watch your grammar as well, there's a few grammatical errors (time, plurials etc.).

But in all you did write a nice piece and if you were to sand off the edges it's excellent material. I do journalism myself (freshman) and so far it's all very, very cool so I'd definately recommend (sp) it.
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:20 PM    (permalink
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write about Rutgers! that makes everything better. i agree with the above statements, but it looks pretty good
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:23 PM    (permalink
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also get on your HS newspaper staff. you could either write for them and have a teacher teach you about actually writing editorials or if not comfortable with that, you could just learn. hopefully your school has a good newspaper staff. i know ours was kick ass so she helped a lot. just something to look into.
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:37 PM    (permalink
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Originally Posted by Philliez01 View Post
I already posted the link to the article in the Colts forum so you can check it out there. But does anyone have any advice on how I can improve? I am a junior, now, in HS and hope to take a journalism class in college.






The Indianapolis Colts began their quest to repeat as Super Bowl champions on NBC’s Thursday Night Football! Opening night, as it’s referred to, kicked off with the singing of John Cougar Mellancamp. After a few of those Reggie Bush / Peyton Manning commercials, the season began!

Not a big fan of the intro. Maybe for the first sentence you could've tried something like this: The city of Indianapolis was buzzing yesterday as their Colts looked to take their first step in repeating as super bowl champs.

You don't need the as it's referred to part.

You need to mention that they we're playing New Orleans somewhere in there.


Colts vs. Saints; some tout it to be a potential Super Bowl preview. As Olindo Mare (former Dolphin K) kicked off to Luke Lawton, it seemed that Blue Nation was ready for some football.

Get some more despcription in their. Example: As the flash of x number of cameras filled the stadium Olindo Mare (former Dolphin K)......

But boy, did we get a scare. One the first play of the game, Peyton Manning threw a small underneath pass to starting RB Joseph Addai who, for a lack of a better term, got “jacked up” by Saints CB Mike McKenzie. As Addai lay on the turf in pain every fan wearing blue, whether they were at the RCA Dome or in their home, held their breaths. As the Colts training staff came out, several thoughts entered everyone’s minds. With only two RBs on the roster, and with NBC reminding us that none have anything more than a quick cameo with the Jets (in Luke Lawton’s case) and a CFL career (Kenton Keith); it seemed that the game and possibly the season was doomed. Addai would eventually walk off, and every Colt's fan was able to exhale. The injury was deemed to have been a simple case of getting the wind knocked out of you. As the Colts went 4&Out, all the mattered was Addai was healthy and ready for the next series.

Don't refer to the Colts as we. Just say Colts.

I fixed a bunch of sentences that I didn't think flowed to well.


The first break for the Indianapolis Colts came off the foot of Olindo Mare [what time in the game it happened at eg. late in the 1stQ]. Always regarded as a kicker with a big foot, Mare easily had the distance for the 52-yard FG. However, it did not have the accuracy. The Colts would get the ball on their own 39 and Peyton Manning drove the ball down the field to capatilize on the kickers mistake. He threw his first TD of the season, a perfect 27-yard pass to WR Marvin Harrison who made a great effort in keeping both feet in-bounds in the back of the endzone. The drive seemed to ignite the Colts and their [some stat about the offense eg. #2 ranked offense] looked to be back in sync and that is never good for opposing defenses. The TD did come at the expense of former Colts CB Jason David who was burned by Harrison. But David would get his redemption. After another Saints drive stalled out, Reggie Wayne caught a pass and attempted to drag David across the first down marker. Unfortunately, David would strip the ball and take it back 55 yards for a TD to tie the game up 7-7. After exchanging FG's, the score was 10-10 at halftime.

The 3rd quarter was when the floodgates opened. The Colts struck first with a two-yard TD run by Addai. After the run defense kept stepping up their game, David was burned again! This time by Reggie Wayne who caught a slant by Manning for a 29-yard TD. It was then 24 – 10 Colts and the game was nearly out of reach. Then the game got out of hand. After another Adam Vinatieri FG, David again lost to Wayne. A 46-yard TD with 10 minutes remaining all but solidified the game’s ending. As the clock ticked down to 1:00, Matt Giordano; widely known as a player with the most hustle on ST, returned a Drew Brees INT 83 yards and the final score was:

Colts-41
Saints-10

I just commented on your game notes. I probably tried to correct you a little too much but editing runs in my family so it's kind of second nature to me.

For the most part you have exactly what you need. At some points though you are just missing small details, or a description of something. With practice that is very easy to correct.

1 thing that is a definate no-no in reporting things like a game is reffering to yourself by using "I" or the team as we. All the "I"s or "we"s should be cut out and changed.


Now a new item I’m adding to my post-game wrap-ups is Player of the Game (for both offense and defense) and Disappointment of the Game:

Offensive Player of the Game: Peyton Manning
A bit of a cop out regarding how he won Horse Trailer Player of the Game by NBC, but it has to be him. Manning again proved why he’s perhaps the best QB in the game right now with his play calling ability. We even saw him throw on the run a few times, which isn’t too common. Tony Ugoh, Jeff Saturday, Reggie Wayne and Joseph Addai were also up for consideration. Eric Johnson was the only Saint in consideration.

Defensive Player of the Game: Freddie Keiaho

I was high on Keiaho before the season but did not expect this. Keiaho racked 6 tackles and had an INT earlier in the game that gave the Colts momentum. He also looked decent in pass-coverage especially on a deflection on a Brees pass that was intended for Johnson. Other Colts in consideration were Bob Sanders and Marlin Jackson, Scott Fujita of the Saints was in contention as well.

Offensive Disappointment: Reggie Bush

I started him in my fantasy league and took a small hit. Bush has been expected to break out this season into the star he can become. However, he did have a few good inside runs (including one that he fought for a first down) but had a critical drop and still had a few runs for losses.

Defensive Disappointment: Jason David

Don’t worry Saints fans, David isn’t THAT bad. In fact, let him get accustomed to facing off against better WRs and he’ll be a nice player. However, his performance after the TD was abysmal. It’ll get better but when you give up 3 TDs; it’s hard to not notice.
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Old 09-07-2007, 07:43 PM    (permalink
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A thing I hate is when they don't say the score right away. U have it in the middle. Americans are lazy, they wanna know who wins and the score. I don't see a headline, but if u have a headline like Repeat off to a Good Start or something, thats a good way, and then u can wait to say the score. Get people to read your article. Thats what I think, which I know is prolly wrong, but its all good. And I agree with what Prince said. But other than that, it was a good job.
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Old 09-08-2007, 03:14 AM    (permalink
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yeh our english teacher would destroy us if we used I/we/us etc. in an essay.
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Old 09-08-2007, 03:43 AM    (permalink
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If you are actually interested in learning from a former sports columnist at the college newspaper level, let me know. Soliciting advice from internet randos isn't the way to go.

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Old 09-08-2007, 03:45 AM    (permalink
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I think that you need to monitor the use of informal language in your phrasing as I assume the tone you are going for is a professional one. For example "After a few of those Reggie Bush / Peyton Manning commercials, the season began!". Whilst this is grammatically correct, it is informal.

"One the first play of the game" - On

It definitely has potential but it really needs to be proof read several times over and have the tone of language used maintained throughout.

I also question the use of 1st person. 1st person is acceptable in essays, but in a broad-sheet structure is not.

There is also something that irks me about your sentence structure.

This is definitely a decent start. Obviously you will get better and through practice, your structure, tone and language will also improve.
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Old 09-08-2007, 05:47 AM    (permalink
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Originally Posted by Ward View Post
If you are actually interested in learning from a former sports columnist at the college newspaper level, let me know. Soliciting advice from internet randos isn't the way to go.

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internet randos are the ones reading the stuff, so any remarks from them Ūs reader feedback, which is always usefull. Besides, some people here DO actually have something to say about writing.

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Old 09-08-2007, 01:54 PM    (permalink
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internet randos are the ones reading the stuff, so any remarks from them Ūs reader feedback, which is always usefull. Besides, some people here DO actually have something to say about writing.

[/ego]
I'm not sure if you noticed, but I made sure that people were aware that I know how the comment sounded. That's why I pointed out my unwarranted self importance. I'm sure you do have something to say about writing. Good for you. As someone who studied writing as a profession, I feel more qualified than any of you. That is unless some english professors, journalists, or sports columnists somehow snuck in without my knowledge. Ultimately most of the comments are going to do this kid more harm than good, but I'll leave it up to him to decide what to accept as good advice.
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Old 09-08-2007, 11:00 PM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ward View Post
If you are actually interested in learning from a former sports columnist at the college newspaper level, let me know. Soliciting advice from internet randos isn't the way to go.

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I am a freshman at college studying journalism.
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