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Old 03-29-2010, 03:41 PM    (permalink
molenguinurtle
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Originally Posted by georgiafan View Post
since this seems to be up and running agian anyone got any advice on this one? it was from a few days back talking about having friends of the oppsite sex. not a big deal just kinda wanting othes opinion
At the same time, one could make the argument that your girl should trust you. I mean, have you given her any reason not to trust you in the past? You say y'all have been dating for 4 months+. I mean really, this all comes down to you and what you want. If you can honestly look at yourself and the situation with the blonde and see nothing happening beyond a platonic friendship, then there's nothing wrong with hanging with her. Let your girl know that as well. Now if you can't do that, then you have a decision to make.
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Old 03-29-2010, 05:16 PM    (permalink
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At the same time, one could make the argument that your girl should trust you. I mean, have you given her any reason not to trust you in the past? You say y'all have been dating for 4 months+. I mean really, this all comes down to you and what you want. If you can honestly look at yourself and the situation with the blonde and see nothing happening beyond a platonic friendship, then there's nothing wrong with hanging with her. Let your girl know that as well. Now if you can't do that, then you have a decision to make.

I have never gave her a reason for her not to trust me. I've always been very honest with her about everything one could even argue to honest with her. I know she trust me or atleast as much as one can after 4 months. I've treated her really good and took her from living a very shelterd life to going out and experiencing many new things.

so i mentioned it to her and she freaked out which surprised me. I told her that we was just friends and wasnt gonna cheat on her (which was the truth) and still she didnt like the ideal. I think the only reason she had a problem with it was bc she was pretty and my other friend she didnt have a problem me hanging out with wasn't
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Old 03-29-2010, 05:44 PM    (permalink
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So I have been digging this girl and kind of want to just be straight up direct. As in, (in essence) do you see this happening/ are you interested. I'm not one for games any more.

We're cool, same group of friends, went to prom together. Not able to make a move at prom because her mom wouldn't let her do anything after and there wasn't much, if any, one on one time.

Good idea or bad idea?
Bump. I'm kind of iffy on being that direct, but I feel like things may drag out if I'm not.
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Old 03-29-2010, 06:28 PM    (permalink
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Bump. I'm kind of iffy on being that direct, but I feel like things may drag out if I'm not.
Direct is good. Overly direct is desperate. Too little directness will let her walk away. If you don't enjoy the game, then play a different one (different girl = different game).
---

@georgiafan

Your girlfriend has trust issues (usually stem from low self esteem). There is nothing you can do other than not hang out with this girl that won't make her suspicious of you. Honestly, it sounds like she shouldn't be in a relationship at that point. Some suspicion is normal, but when it becomes crippling to your life (especially when there is nothing to worry about), you have to let her go. She needs time to mature.

If she's mature, you can tell her that there is nothing going on and she should believe you. If there is nothing going on, then you should be convincing (or if you are a serial lier). If something is going on, then she should be able to tell (otherwise I wouldn't say she's mature).

But at the same time, if you want things to work out, you have to make sure you hold up your end.

I'd be jealous/suspicious if my BF/GF went out with an attractive person of the opposite sex for some "friendly" alone time, especially if I were by myself that night.
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Old 03-29-2010, 06:29 PM    (permalink
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Bump. I'm kind of iffy on being that direct, but I feel like things may drag out if I'm not.
If you like her then I would go ahead and make a move that way. She either says yes and you move to the next step or she says no and you start looking at other options.
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Old 03-29-2010, 06:34 PM    (permalink
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Bump. I'm kind of iffy on being that direct, but I feel like things may drag out if I'm not.
I'm all for directness and whatnot, but you gotta be smart/careful with it. Especially because (I'm assuming), she's in high school. IMO that's the worst period of nonsense and stupidity in a female's life. Most of them have no idea what they want and really just enjoy the feeling of being wanted/chased. And I don't know how strongly you feel about this girl, but you should always be ready for and OK with rejection no matter how much rational sense it may make in your mind.
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Old 03-29-2010, 06:35 PM    (permalink
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Direct is good. Overly direct is desperate. Too little directness will let her walk away. If you don't enjoy the game, then play a different one (different girl = different game).
That's true. I think I'll just bring it up and then talk about it kind of casually.
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Old 03-29-2010, 06:37 PM    (permalink
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I'm all for directness and whatnot, but you gotta be smart/careful with it. Especially because (I'm assuming), she's in high school. IMO that's the worst period of nonsense and stupidity in a female's life. Most of them have no idea what they want and really just enjoy the feeling of being wanted/chased. And I don't know how strongly you feel about this girl, but you should always be ready for and OK with rejection no matter how much rational sense it may make in your mind.
Well, yeah. I'm not expecting love or anything. She doesn't want to date anyone right now and I don't either, but something along the lines of just being close/ hanging out/ etc. is what I'm looking for. Basically something non-official. I guess I wanna find out if she's down for that or not.
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Old 03-29-2010, 06:40 PM    (permalink
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That's true. I think I'll just bring it up and then talk about it kind of casually.
My advice is asking her out on a real date without calling it a date. If she asks, say yes and move on (with the conversation... don't let it get awkward. Maybe even prepare something to talk about in emergency). If it goes well, at the end of the date, move forward. If it goes poorly, you know that it wasn't meant to be (or that you had a terrible date).

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Most of them have no idea what they want and really just enjoy the feeling of being wanted/chased.
I'm not entirely certain this is just high school...
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:01 PM    (permalink
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My advice is asking her out on a real date without calling it a date. If she asks, say yes and move on (with the conversation... don't let it get awkward. Maybe even prepare something to talk about in emergency). If it goes well, at the end of the date, move forward. If it goes poorly, you know that it wasn't meant to be (or that you had a terrible date).
This. Girls want to be chased and being direct attempts to skip past that step.


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I'm not entirely certain this is just high school...
And this is as well.
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:04 PM    (permalink
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I kind of feel like that is the right thing to do, too. I think I'm just getting impatient. If something comes up to where she can't do anything this weekend I think I'll just be direct.
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:09 PM    (permalink
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I have never gave her a reason for her not to trust me. I've always been very honest with her about everything one could even argue to honest with her. I know she trust me or atleast as much as one can after 4 months. I've treated her really good and took her from living a very shelterd life to going out and experiencing many new things.

so i mentioned it to her and she freaked out which surprised me. I told her that we was just friends and wasnt gonna cheat on her (which was the truth) and still she didnt like the ideal. I think the only reason she had a problem with it was bc she was pretty and my other friend she didnt have a problem me hanging out with wasn't
Depending on how much you actually like this chick, I'd tell her that I do as I please. She really shouldn't be restricting you in anyway. I mean, if you are real serious about her, don't do that. But if it isn't all that serious and you think you can easily move on, I'd definitely take charge here.

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Well, yeah. I'm not expecting love or anything. She doesn't want to date anyone right now and I don't either, but something along the lines of just being close/ hanging out/ etc. is what I'm looking for. Basically something non-official. I guess I wanna find out if she's down for that or not.
You are kind of contradicting yourself. You want to be completely direct, but you're going to talk about just hanging out/being close? I'd think her reaction would probably be "We already are..." If you're looking to hook up with her and know that she's interested, go for it. Just saying, I think both of us have made it clear we aren't aiming for anything special or magical, but I think that you and I together just works and that we can really have a good time.
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:13 PM    (permalink
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You are kind of contradicting yourself. You want to be completely direct, but you're going to talk about just hanging out/being close? I'd think her reaction would probably be "We already are..." If you're looking to hook up with her and know that she's interested, go for it. Just saying, I think both of us have made it clear we aren't aiming for anything special or magical, but I think that you and I together just works and that we can really have a good time.
I feel you on that first part. Sounds off being direct and then aiming for something like that. What do you mean starting at 'just saying' though? That's what you think I should say?
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:26 PM    (permalink
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I feel you on that first part. Sounds off being direct and then aiming for something like that. What do you mean starting at 'just saying' though? That's what you think I should say?

That's probably around bout what I'd lead in with. It's pretty sincere and yet still direct and has that sharpness to it. That's why I like it. Plus, you can say that and even if she isn't interested, it's not like you professed your love for her and things won't be weird and awkward with you and her.
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:33 PM    (permalink
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Depending on how much you actually like this chick, I'd tell her that I do as I please. She really shouldn't be restricting you in anyway. I mean, if you are real serious about her, don't do that. But if it isn't all that serious and you think you can easily move on, I'd definitely take charge here.
I like her alot and there is potential for the future so i'm not sure if its worth the risk of it. But on the other hand, im not doing anything wrong and have been upfront with her and my attentions arent bad. I had more of a past with the other girl then I did with this one. She had no problems with me going to the other girls house. Now with this girl she freaks out think it's bc this girl is prettier. Since I have no past at all with this girl.


this is the last thing she emaild me (i didnt respond)

"I didn't think you were hiding it from me, but I have to admit that hurt that you would even joke around like that.

I know you are truly just a good guy and will be there for someone. I really appreciate you asking me if I'd be ok with it, but honestly I'm not comfortable with it. I know you feel sorry for her and she's going through a lot, but I really don't like the thoughts of you having a bite to eat with her. I don't feel it’s appropriate and I don't think it makes me jealous for feeling like that either.

I do remember you telling me about her having a St. Patrick's Day party, but you've never really talked about her. You usually just say a friend and don't go into details. You've never told me someone was going through a lot and was talking to you and getting closer.

It makes me feel good that you told her things were going good with us and you didn't want anything to get in the way, so don't let it please. I want to be the one getting closer to you and I want you to be the one being there for me."
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:42 PM    (permalink
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I will start off by saying under no circumstance should you stop talking to your friend. If you do, you are setting a dangerous precedent. You should be able to talk to who you want, and if you give in every time with something like this, you are going to end up getting pissed off about it.

But if you think you have a serious future with your current girl, I'd still talk to the friend, but I'd cancel seeing her this time. Make up some ******** excuse. Revisit the issue in a couple months if you think your girlfriend might be less self-conscious at that point. That really seems to be the issue with this whole thing.


Or you could essentially tell your girlfriend, "Listen. I was direct and upfront with you. I was perfectly honest about the friendship, and I have no intentions of doing you wrong. However, this is my friend in a time of need. I don't think it's fair for you to make me pull away from that situation, and I know I wouldn't do that to you if the tables were turned." Lay a little guilt trip in there, and see how she responds. But then again, if you really see a future, is going to see a girl you have no intention of fooling around with really worth it?
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:52 PM    (permalink
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There is this girl I like and have been debating asking her out, she is super nice to everyone so it's hard to tell if she likes me or is just being her self.

I really don't want the "friend zone" speech because after you go out on a limb like there is really no going back, it just get's all awkward after that.

I really like having her as a friend, I know I want more but I don't want to lose her as a friend.

Don't mind me I'm just thinking out loud...:)
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:01 PM    (permalink
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Originally Posted by Splat View Post
There is this girl I like and have been debating asking her out, she is super nice to everyone so it's hard to tell if she likes me or is just being her self.

I really don't want the "friend zone" speech because after you go out on a limb like there is really no going back, it just get's all awkward after that.

I really like having her as a friend, I know I want more but I don't want to lose her as a friend.

Don't mind me I'm just thinking out loud...:)
How old are you? Do you have access to a car/vehicle?

"Hey, do you like ________ (a kind of food) food? I was thinking we could go to ________ (a restaurant) on _______ (a day of the week) night. It should be fun. If you want, we could do __________ (a fun activity around town) afterwards."

Then:

"Oh, you're busy? Maybe some other time."

or

"Sweet. I'll see you then."

You only get stuck in the friend zone when you refuse to push the boundaries of your relationship (or refuse to get her drunk ).
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:05 PM    (permalink
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thanks man thats good advice, after not responding to her email just she texted me and keeps on bringing it up. With me trying to not give a answer. She told me things like "its really been bother me" "i've been thinking about this all day" "please tell me what your thinking" "i'm not the only girl that would have a problem with this".

Im defnetly not gonna stop talking to my friend and i'm not gonna meey up with her this week either.


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Originally Posted by ATLDirtyBirds View Post
I will start off by saying under no circumstance should you stop talking to your friend. If you do, you are setting a dangerous precedent. You should be able to talk to who you want, and if you give in every time with something like this, you are going to end up getting pissed off about it.

But if you think you have a serious future with your current girl, I'd still talk to the friend, but I'd cancel seeing her this time. Make up some ******** excuse. Revisit the issue in a couple months if you think your girlfriend might be less self-conscious at that point. That really seems to be the issue with this whole thing.


Or you could essentially tell your girlfriend, "Listen. I was direct and upfront with you. I was perfectly honest about the friendship, and I have no intentions of doing you wrong. However, this is my friend in a time of need. I don't think it's fair for you to make me pull away from that situation, and I know I wouldn't do that to you if the tables were turned." Lay a little guilt trip in there, and see how she responds. But then again, if you really see a future, is going to see a girl you have no intention of fooling around with really worth it?
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:07 PM    (permalink
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How old are you? Do you have access to a car/vehicle?

"Hey, do you like ________ (a kind of food) food? I was thinking we could go to ________ (a restaurant) on _______ (a day of the week) night. It should be fun. If you want, we could do __________ (a fun activity around town) afterwards."

Then:

"Oh, you're busy? Maybe some other time."

or

"Sweet. I'll see you then."

You only get stuck in the friend zone when you refuse to push the boundaries of your relationship (or refuse to get her drunk ).
Ya, I know I'm just kinda being a puss.

And I'm four years sober so drinking is out, that is one of the things I like most about here she doesn't party, that is real hard to find.
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:27 PM    (permalink
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I'm not entirely certain this is just high school...
Truth, truth. I was just saying that's when it really starts.

And co-sign ATLDirtyBirds.
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:47 PM    (permalink
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thanks man thats good advice, after not responding to her email just she texted me and keeps on bringing it up. With me trying to not give a answer. She told me things like "its really been bother me" "i've been thinking about this all day" "please tell me what your thinking" "i'm not the only girl that would have a problem with this".

Im defnetly not gonna stop talking to my friend and i'm not gonna meey up with her this week either.

I'd come at her with, "Why are you thinking about this so much and so worried about this?" She might be able to give you a concrete answer about it. If she tells you it's because she still self-conscious (and from what you're telling us, it's quite clear it is) then definitely cancel and play up the whole, "That's all I needed to know. I'm not going to let something like this stand in between us. If this is important to you, it's important to me. But you really do look just fine. You don't need to worry about it, I have eyes for no other woman, you are the most beautiful, etc, etc. You are going to score some serious points with that.

If you sense that she's just being a jealous ***** about it, you need to stand firmer. It sounds like you've made up your mind that you aren't going. That's cool and totally up to you. But, I wouldn't give into her. Again, I'm starting with "Why are you thinking about this so much and so worried about this?" and if you sense it's more of a pure jealous/lack of trust issue, you need to turn it into, "What have I possibly done to have you not trust me? You say other girls would feel this way too, but you aren't other girls. You shouldn't be so untrusting. The fact that you and I can be so open with one another is one of the best qualities of our relationship. You want to bring up other girls? Do you know how many other guys would openly tell this to their girlfriends? Not many. I figured that I could tell you something like this and you'd be understanding, but you're just being unreasonable when all I'm looking to do is spend some time helping out a friend."
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:41 PM    (permalink
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Ya, I know I'm just kinda being a puss.

And I'm four years sober so drinking is out, that is one of the things I like most about here she doesn't party, that is real hard to find.
Don't end up like this guy.

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Old 03-29-2010, 11:13 PM    (permalink
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Don't end up like this guy.

Is that from Chicken Soup for the Nerd's Soul or something?
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:15 PM    (permalink
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Yeah, what's up with all the feelings and stuff?
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