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Old 10-01-2010, 02:54 PM    (permalink
bsaza2358
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Originally Posted by BuckeyeDan17 View Post
I mean she wants me back too so it's not like I'm trying to get a grip with nothing to hold here. The feelings are there for each other, but she's going through some serious **** right now and as a human being I want to support her through it regardless of any relationship woes.

She needs help, I'm not going to abandon her at a time like this, when she gets through it - maybe.

But either way, it wasn't supposed to be taken personally, I was just trying to inform you of my intentions, regardless if you give a **** or not. I appreciate your input quite a bit, man.
You are just making excuses to keep her around. She is making excuses to keep you around. If you are sticking by her to help her cope with a personal tragedy, then you might as well either get back with her on the appropriate terms or let her go. By staying with her now, you set the precedent that every time she is in trouble, she can come to you, and youíll drop everything to be with her. That is not a healthy dynamic.

Normally, it would be appropriate for friends to rally around those in need. In this case, you are creating and enabling an unhealthy situation where she has control over you, and you derive some sort of enjoyment from being there for her. You canít keep up this charade right now and anticipate a healthy, clean break or a healthy relationship in the future. Simply put, something has to give. You are not her boyfriend. She is an adult (or getting there). You canít be relied upon in this situation without it causing emotions. You appear to be quite codependent on each other. This is not a good situation for anyone.

Easiest solution is to break the cycle in some way. Understand why you are keeping her around. If youíre only keeping her by you for your own ego (which is distinctly possible), you need to get over yourself and break it off. That is not fair to either of you. By your own ego, I mean you gain fulfillment and pleasure from being needed. That is not about her. That is about you and should stop. If you are keeping her around because you genuinely care about her and her well-being, you need to be with her on a romantic level based on mutual respect and honesty, as well as open communication. You need to address your issues from the past and work through them, regardless of her life situation. What you have right now is a limbo situation where neither of you is getting what you need. That has to change, or else youíre both wasting your time and one of you is due to get seriously hurt. Communication is key!!!!
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Old 10-01-2010, 05:38 PM    (permalink
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I think you are using this "type" excuse as a protection mechanism. If you're not in another relationship, you can't get hurt again. If you look for something so specific, you'll never find anyone who measures up. So, you're alone and unhappy, which is easier than being hurt again. You have to really talk to someone about your breakup and really get free and clear of what happened. You need to understand your role in the past relationship and why it failed. It was both of you that were "dysfunctional" in the past, and you need to understand why you do what you do. Breakups happen, but you should be learning from the experience and come out with a better understanding of what you need and want.

After that, you should evaluate what you are really looking for. I'm talking pretty general things. What traits do you value? What expectations do you have? Is someone with your idea of wit intellect and humor really a necessity? Why do you need the girl to teach you something? Is it because you want her to be a subject matter expert or is it because you have a fixation on something that happened in a past relationship? There are lots of loose ends here. I sense that you are not clear of your ex, but you want to be. That involves really getting clear of the past and focusing on being present.
I assure you I am not using the 'type' thing as a protection mechanism... I would love to be in a relationship right now, being hurt again is not something I'm concerned about. Rejection is potentially another story, but that's clearly more fundamental.

I honestly think it hurts more to be alone and unhappy than it does to be dumped. At least being dumped can be a learning experience. Being alone for as long as I have been (it's been 10 months since the ex) has ceased to be a learning experience. Now it's just sad.

You are right that I'm hung up on a girl, but you're wrong about who it is (obviously you couldn't have known this). I met a girl online. Long story short, she was all those things I say I'm looking for, then she disappeared, and I never got any type of closure on the situation.

Obviously I need to get over this girl, that goes without saying. Idealizing her like I have done is not healthy and I know it. That's not to say it would ever stop me from pursuing anything else, and that's not what I'm doing.

It all just comes down to me growing some balls and actually starting a conversation with these girls I think might be interesting.
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Old 10-02-2010, 01:34 AM    (permalink
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Do you guys think that being a lone is really a bad thing?
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Old 10-02-2010, 01:42 AM    (permalink
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Do you guys think that being a lone is really a bad thing?
Being alone for awhile? No, not a problem. I have to say though I honestly can't think of anything worse than dying alone.
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Old 10-02-2010, 02:04 AM    (permalink
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I assure you I am not using the 'type' thing as a protection mechanism... I would love to be in a relationship right now, being hurt again is not something I'm concerned about. Rejection is potentially another story, but that's clearly more fundamental.

I honestly think it hurts more to be alone and unhappy than it does to be dumped. At least being dumped can be a learning experience. Being alone for as long as I have been (it's been 10 months since the ex) has ceased to be a learning experience. Now it's just sad.

You are right that I'm hung up on a girl, but you're wrong about who it is (obviously you couldn't have known this). I met a girl online. Long story short, she was all those things I say I'm looking for, then she disappeared, and I never got any type of closure on the situation.

Obviously I need to get over this girl, that goes without saying. Idealizing her like I have done is not healthy and I know it. That's not to say it would ever stop me from pursuing anything else, and that's not what I'm doing.

It all just comes down to me growing some balls and actually starting a conversation with these girls I think might be interesting.
Well first of all, don't dwell on how long you've been alone. We've all had stretches that we've had to bear, so its pretty much a badge of honor in some aspects. You've had time to heal from the break up, to learn from it, to experience the highs and lows of it. Now that you are realizing that its an issue means in lay terms that you are ready to "be out there" again.

As for the online girl, basically its sucks that it was a hit and miss situation but hey again we've all had them. Don't consider it a strikeout, more like a foul tip. Don't obsess over the small things, just have some faith in yourself and get out there.
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:05 AM    (permalink
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When getting rid of your ex completely does that mean you include throwing out my favorite eagles shirt she got me?
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:20 AM    (permalink
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You are right that I'm hung up on a girl, but you're wrong about who it is (obviously you couldn't have known this). I met a girl online. Long story short, she was all those things I say I'm looking for, then she disappeared, and I never got any type of closure on the situation.
Dude, that's just how online dating goes. Things will rarely feel like they've gone horribly bad or that there won't be another date, but then one person just poofs. I've had it happen numerous times and did it to someone once or twice. I actually only have had one girl tell me why she didn't think it would work, and I was really grateful... But mostly online people just poof.

You will not get "closure". It's no big deal, just the nature of the beast. I'm a fan of online dating because it has helped me realize who I am, what qualities I bring to a relationship, and what I'm looking for in someone else.
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Old 10-04-2010, 09:28 AM    (permalink
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I assure you I am not using the 'type' thing as a protection mechanism... I would love to be in a relationship right now, being hurt again is not something I'm concerned about. Rejection is potentially another story, but that's clearly more fundamental.

I honestly think it hurts more to be alone and unhappy than it does to be dumped. At least being dumped can be a learning experience. Being alone for as long as I have been (it's been 10 months since the ex) has ceased to be a learning experience. Now it's just sad.

You are right that I'm hung up on a girl, but you're wrong about who it is (obviously you couldn't have known this). I met a girl online. Long story short, she was all those things I say I'm looking for, then she disappeared, and I never got any type of closure on the situation.

Obviously I need to get over this girl, that goes without saying. Idealizing her like I have done is not healthy and I know it. That's not to say it would ever stop me from pursuing anything else, and that's not what I'm doing.

It all just comes down to me growing some balls and actually starting a conversation with these girls I think might be interesting.
It sounds to me like you are absolutely using the "type" thing as an excuse to really get involved. You are worried about getting hurt again, so you are closing off your mind to possibilities that will lead to a fulfilling relationship. By pursuing girls that are probably unattainable or not really "real", you are protecting yourself. The good news is that you are sick of the game you're playing with yourself, and you're ready to move on. That is one small step.

The giant leap you have to make is to be okay being alone. Take time to be alone and find things that you love to do. You are in grad school. That is great. Work on that. Work on yourself. Work out, get in better shape. When you really love yourself and your life and what you're all about, that confidence shows. Once you are really on that path to loving your life, things will change for you. You can't force it. You can't control it. What you can control is how you look at yourself and how you choose to handle your life.
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Old 10-04-2010, 09:30 AM    (permalink
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When getting rid of your ex completely does that mean you include throwing out my favorite eagles shirt she got me?
You can keep gifts you got from her, but if it helps you get closure, there's nothing wrong with it. It's all about how you decide to rid her from your life. At the very least, you need to stop speaking/communicating with her. Then you really have to make things about your life and work on yourself. If you have to throw out the shirt to get there, throw it out or burn it or give it to goodwill.
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:56 PM    (permalink
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OK i broke it off with her, now its time to go out and have fun
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Old 10-04-2010, 11:18 PM    (permalink
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Whats some good things to do to start small talk, been out of the game for awhile. Really rusty spitting game.
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Old 10-04-2010, 11:29 PM    (permalink
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your manerisms will play a big role, be confident in it.

I spent a lot of time wondering how to get a girl, I thought there was some magic pick up line. I used to be so nervous it all went down hill, I couldnt even get into the friend zone.

Its all about being confident.


A good way for simple small talk is look at the situation around you and comment on something.

Or you can have a pre planned question. something silly that you can go from there,
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Old 10-05-2010, 12:30 AM    (permalink
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When getting rid of your ex completely does that mean you include throwing out my favorite eagles shirt she got me?
When my last GF broke up with me, I burned most of the stuff she gave me. Then again, it went poorly.

I think she'd be embarrassed all of the things I had kept because I thought she was special. I was completely wrong about that one.
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Old 10-05-2010, 11:32 AM    (permalink
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Whats some good things to do to start small talk, been out of the game for awhile. Really rusty spitting game.
Being a drunken fool has always worked for me in the past. Though I have a certain personality, I don't think this would work for everyone
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Old 10-05-2010, 08:37 PM    (permalink
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Being a drunken fool has always worked for me in the past. Though I have a certain personality, I don't think this would work for everyone
Ya most times the guys is looked at a creep. I don't like being **** canned when i approach girls
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Old 10-05-2010, 11:35 PM    (permalink
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watched a girl get hit on today from like 10 feet away. She was not having it but homeboy kept goin after it. Awkward....
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:40 AM    (permalink
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watched a girl get hit on today from like 10 feet away. She was not having it but homeboy kept goin after it. Awkward....
you didn't swoop in? you could have walked up and said something that gave the illusion that you and here were friends while giving her a look that says "I'm trying to get you away from this douche"

this is, of course, assuming she was attractive
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Old 10-06-2010, 02:30 PM    (permalink
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Getting relationship advice from these computer nerds is like getting relationship advice from Big Ben.
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Old 10-06-2010, 02:43 PM    (permalink
'cuse-213
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Getting relationship advice from these computer nerds is like getting relationship advice from Big Ben.
wordski, when in doubt whip it out.
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Old 10-06-2010, 02:43 PM    (permalink
KobeBryant833
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Getting relationship advice from these computer nerds is like getting relationship advice from Big Ben.
Quick and easy
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Old 10-06-2010, 09:26 PM    (permalink
jballa838
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you didn't swoop in? you could have walked up and said something that gave the illusion that you and here were friends while giving her a look that says "I'm trying to get you away from this douche"

this is, of course, assuming she was attractive
Yeah i wasn't prepared to do that. I was more in shock.
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JBalla is mormon, so naturally he assumes that whenever you get one marriage done, another two or five are in the works.

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Old 10-10-2010, 03:54 PM    (permalink
Splat
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How do you get a girl to leave you alone with out coming across like an A-hole?
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:24 PM    (permalink
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How do you get a girl to leave you alone with out coming across like an A-hole?
Dude it does not matter how you do it, if she has feelings you will always look like an A-hole in the end.
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:36 PM    (permalink
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How do you get a girl to leave you alone with out coming across like an A-hole?
Make up some **** about not being emotionally able to be in a relationship at the moment. Then go **** someone else.

I've been contemplating playing that card lately. Hopefully it doesn't trigger some ridiculous trap card. Somehow I keep being involved with two girls at a time lately, but I'm not sure I want to deal with either of the current girls.

So the other day I was taking my final...got to the hard stuff where I really had to concentrate and who does the proctor sit at the computer right in front of me? My ******* ex-fiancee. WTF? Seriously? Distracting, awkward, and uncomfortable to say the least.
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:39 PM    (permalink
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Here's the way you handle the situation... The way I see it, you have two options.

1. Be honest... tell her you're not interested.

2. See if she's down for a threeway.

Either way it ends it, or ends in a threeway. Win/Win.
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